


I Don't Think Enough Before I Say Too Much

by CantDwellOnAnyofIt



Category: The Pacific (TV)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Christianity, Dirty Talk, Dissociation, Fluff, I should be ashamed but I'm not, Idiots in Love, Intercrural Sex, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Otherwise known as; thigh sex, Period-Typical Homophobia, Porn With Plot, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rimming, Slurs, Stolperzunge, Suicidal Thoughts, Trauma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-15
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-13 01:27:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 35,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28770078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CantDwellOnAnyofIt/pseuds/CantDwellOnAnyofIt
Summary: Eugene Sledge couldn't move on after the war. Couldn't move on from Snafu. He was tortured by the way Snafu just left him on the train. He knew he had to do something. He couldn't live like this.
Relationships: Mary Houston/Sidney "Sid" Phillips, Merriell "Snafu" Shelton/Eugene Sledge
Comments: 24
Kudos: 39





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Stolperzunge](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stolperzunge/gifts).



> This fic is dedicated to Stolperzunge who is an absolutely beautiful human being. And it helps that I think we're the same person. I listened to "I Love You, But I Need Another Year," by Liza Anne about 9,000 times while writing this fic.

He couldn't sleep. If it wasn't the nightmares, it was the intrusive thoughts. The thoughts were always gently sliding their hands around his throat like an enemy sneaking up on him in the dark. Trying to snuff him out before his comrades could hear. The dreams were worse. They waited until he was lulled into a false sense of calm, warm, security. Finally too tired to fight them off. Blackness opened up to screaming women holding babies. Blood rained from the ceiling of a hut while a woman reached her hands towards him. She begged in a language he couldn't understand. But blind panic was the same in every language. He could see it in her eyes, and he couldn't wipe it out. He couldn't stand to put either of them out of their misery. So he planted his feet and watched until the hut crushed her in front of him. Paralyzed by his fear and angry at his weakness. He would jolt awake, and every morning the anger and shame followed him into waking life.

He used to be a morning person before the war. He'd wake up before sunrise with a cup of coffee. He'd take Deacon on his morning walk. He enjoyed the solitude of morning, and watching the world wake up around him. It was like he and the world slept and woke together in the same rhythm. Everything felt aligned. But now the silence was like screaming. His mind would race while he tried to deal with the onslaught of thoughts and dream laden memories. He began to confuse what he really witnessed in the war with what he dreamt. But he didn't much think it mattered. The feelings that overwhelmed him were the same. He hated himself. He hated what he had brought on himself. He resented his mother for not understanding. He was angry at his father for being forgiving. Didn't his father know what he had done? Who he had become? He crawled in his own skin every waking moment.

He didn't go to Sid with his problems. Sid was busy creating his life with Mary. Gene couldn't bear to burden Sid with his troubles when Sid was just trying to forget and move on. He knew Sid also had trouble with sleep. But unlike Gene, Sid tried not to torture himself about the things he saw and did in the war. 

_"You can't dwell on it. You can't dwell on any of it.”_ Ack Ack had said. And it seemed like everyone but Gene was able to abide by that law. The only person in the world who seemed able to pull Gene out of his moods had abandoned him. When Gene woke up on the train to a gentle shove, he expected Snafu's big blue eyes to be staring a hole in him. Like they always did. But instead, he realized another soldier had nudged him awake to ask if he was meant to be disembarking the train. They had arrived in Alabama. Gene looked around confused for a moment before the soldier repeated himself. But Gene wasn't listening. Where had Snafu gone? He couldn't have left without waking him. It wasn't possible.

But it had been possible, and now here he was. Alone. Like he deserved to be. God was punishing him, and Gene couldn't blame him. He'd killed countless people. And by the end of the war, he didn't much care about the damage he caused. He wanted to kill every Jap left with his bare hands. He wanted to make them feel as helpless as he did. He often thought back to his conversation with Leckie. 

_"God created Japs too, right? Yellow slants who've tried to kill me on many occasions. Japs come from the garden of Eden too?"_

God had sent Gene on a mission to kill Japs for what they had done. But he also sent the Japs to bomb Pearl Harbor in the first place. And Gene no longer had any idea what God wanted from either side. Were they all meant to die? Had he survived by accident when God had deemed him disposable? And now God cursed him with these thoughts and dreams. To haunt him for daring to make it out. Maybe they had all been too dirty for God's love in the first place. He knew he'd never again feel the safety of that embrace. He tucked his bible away under his bed months ago after unpacking his suitcase. He couldn't bear to open it. He worried it would burn his hands if he even tried. He was no longer welcome in God's plans. He just knew it.

So, with no faith, no plans, no life, he withered away. He spent hours staring at the walls, off into the distance as he sat outside. And he tortured himself with his thoughts and his lack of purpose. He had no idea what he was going to do with the rest of his life. He wondered if God meant for him to commit suicide. If he had somehow messed up God's plan for him to die. If someone else had died in his place. If he no longer had God's love, then killing himself wouldn't matter. But he lacked any motivation to go through with it. It was as if he was meant to remain stuck between life and death. A ghost among the living. 

He knew God had more than one reason to reject him. Not only had he lived when he was meant to die, but he had been born homosexual. He was doomed from birth. He knew something was wrong when he was 6 years old and Betty Cannon had kissed him on the cheek, and he had cried. Sid would nudge him and point out the pretty girls at school, and Gene couldn't have cared less about them. He'd tease Sid for being a pervert and they'd laugh. His sinful nature was further solidified when he gazed at the nurse on Pavuvu. He demanded himself to feel something for her. She was beautiful. She had a kind voice. His mind recoiled as he tried to imagine kissing her, sliding off her clean hospital whites. He felt repulsed. "Alright, you had your looksey," the lieutenant had jeered. If Gene could've glared a hole through that lieutenants body he would've.

If he could've grabbed that asshole by the head and slammed it repeatedly into every damn cup on the table he would've. ‘I feel nothing, I see nothing, I am nothing,’ he would've screamed at him. Can't you see it written all over me? I'm a sinner, you fool. He couldn't ignore the fire in the pit of his stomach every time Snafu leaned against him. Played along with his jokes. Watched him. Snafu always watched his every move. And it drove Gene crazy. Gene thought about what Snafu's curls would feel like in his fingers. What his sweat would taste like as Gene ran his tongue along Snafu's neck. Along that fucking smirk. He went mad with lust thinking of all the things Snafu could do to him. So when he gazed at that fuckin' nurse and felt nothing another piece of him snapped off and was taken by the ocean. He was ruined, and God knew it.

All through his thoughts Gene found himself biking. As he came to, he realized he was approaching Sid's house. It had to be no later than 0500. He hesitated at the start of the driveway. This was crazy. He couldn't bother Sid. But then he felt his right foot swing over the left side of his bike to land beside his left foot on the ground. He began steering and walking towards the front door. He was like a man possessed. Before he could stop himself, he knocked three times in succession. He waited. What the hell are you doing? His mind screamed at him. He was about to knock again when the door slowly opened. Sid was holding his rifle, but quickly lowered the butt of it to the ground when he realized who was at the door.

"Eugene, you scared the daylights out of me. I heard the bike coming along the drive and just about jumped in the bushes to scout." Sid was laughing, but Gene was not. Sid's smile slowly faded. "Get in here," Sid made to grab for Gene's arm but Gene blurted out, "Can you take me to the train station?" Sid's brows came together in confusion. Or maybe it was concern. Sid's hand halted in the air, "You need me to do what now?" Sid's hand landed gently on Gene's bicep. He tugged him gently through the doorway and into the kitchen. "Have a seat." Sid moved to the stove and grabbed the kettle. "We can have coffee and talk it."

Gene was already shaking his head. "I don't need to talk about it. I need you to do this for me. I don't have a car and it'll take me days to bike there." Sid was pouring coffee anyway. "What are you going to do at the train station?" Sid asked.

"Ride the train." Gene answered, curtly. Sid laughed, and set the cup beside Gene. Sid added hot water to his own cup which had likely gotten cold while Sid had watched a stranger approaching his home from the window. Gene could tell the curtain was off-kilter, as if someone had pulled it aside in an attempt to spy without being seen. Gene felt guilty for worrying Sid. He'd have felt guiltier if he woke Sid up, but it seemed Sid had no better luck sleeping than Gene did. "Ride the train where, you smartass." Gene debated whether he should be honest about his intentions. He trusted Sid. He and Sid had been friends since Gene could remember. Sid had always been on Gene's side. But this would be asking something else entirely of Sid. It would be asking Sid to see him for all of his sins, and accept him anyway. If God couldn't manage, he doubted Sid could. "Louisiana." Gene answered. He provided no context. He planned to provide no further geographical context. Sid didn't know about Snafu. He wouldn't even have guessed what Gene's plans were even if Gene told him he was going to New Orleans. But this secret pounded loud in his ears. Matching the beat of his heart. He felt like he was shouting the word Louisiana so he could be heard over the thumping of his heart. He was laid bare in front of God and his best friend. And he planned to deceive both of them. He really was beyond saving.

"Louisiana?" Sid answered. "What's in Louisiana that has you sneaking up to my front door and demanding I drive you down to the station this instant? Did you meet someone you haven't told me about?" Sid's eyes were mischievous. They were full of hope. Hope that Gene had something or someone out there to look forward to. Would they be so full of hope if Sid knew it was a man that Gene ached for? "You could say that," Gene found himself replying. He was skirting the truth. He was living in half truths and short responses. He was a man to be hanged but he kept outrunning the law. "You sly dog!" Sid slapped his knee and scooted his chair back so fast it made an awful screech. There was a thump from where Gene assumed was the bedroom, when Mary emerged from the doorway in her silken robe. Gene would've blushed had he been his old self. Had he been anyone at all anymore.

"What in the Lord's good name is going on out here?" She didn't seem to be mad, but rather playing at it. "Eugene Sledge, is that you causing trouble in my house?" Gene caused trouble everywhere. That's what the devil did when he got inside your soul. He made you destroy yourself and those around you. His lips lifted in one corner in a true Snafu impression. "Sorry, ma'am. I didn't mean to cause such a disturbance." He stood and bowed gently to her. "Sid and I were just about to head out to the train station." Gene looked down at his untouched coffee and thought to hand it to Mary. She might as well enjoy it before it gets cold. Sid stood up and grabbed his coat. It seemed letting Sid believe this was for a woman had propelled him into action. "I won't be long," he kissed Mary on the cheek. Sid grabbed his keys from the same hook his jacket had been on. "Well, come on now lover boy we best be gettin' on." Gene couldn't move fast enough to get out of his seat. He needed to keep moving before his mind came to. Before he hopped on his bike and rode all the way back home and never came back out again. This was his only chance to act. "Lover boy?" Mary smiled, "Gene, that's wonderful. I wish you the best." Gene cringed inwardly. "Thanks." He mumbled. It was a benefit to him that everyone thought him shy. His guilt could easily be mistaken for sheepishness.

He nearly squeezed himself through the front door at the same time as Sid. He took long strides to the car, and grabbed the handle before Sid had even reached the car to unlock it. "Alright, alright, I'm comin'!" Sid had picked up the pace to unlock the door and climb in. He leaned to the right and opened Gene's door for him. Gene immediately flung himself into the seat and fastened his seatbelt before he could run away. Strapped himself in good. "I'll take your bike home later for you." Gene nearly threw up. He hadn't even told his parents he was going on a walk. And now he was planning to leave the state entirely. His mother would call the police. "Shit, Sid. I forgot to tell them I was leaving. I didn't even leave a note." Gene began attempting to unbuckle himself. He needed to get home. If the police came for him and found him with Snafu they'd be arrested. They'd be blue discharged. He didn't know which one was worse. Sid stopped his hand, "I'll tell 'em when I drop your bike off. Don't worry about it. I'll be home and back to your place before they even realize you're gone."

Gene steadied his hand under the pressure of Sid's. Sid would probably never touch his hand again if he knew. He'd never jokingly wrestle with him. He'd be too afraid he'd catch what Gene had. That Gene would be attracted to him. That Gene would ruin everything like he always did. This was just another secret he would have to take to God before he was banished to hell. Why couldn't he get the devil out of him? But despite his inner chastising, Gene let his body rest in his seat. Sinking into the leather and willing himself to calm down. No one knew. No one would know. Sid would take care of him like he always did. Sid, who trusted him, while Gene wore a liar's face. Gene had no idea if Snafu was even still in New Orleans. Gene had no idea if Snafu even wanted to see him. Snafu had left him on the train after all. Gene had probably read into ever stare, every gentle touch, every time Snafu seemed to cut in the shower line until suddenly Gene and Snafu were undressed and standing close. Every time they searched desperately for each other on the battlefield, or in the line of fire, until they knew the other was still breathing. Both sneaking glances, but doing well to hide it. He had imagined all of it in his sick homosexual mind.

"You alright?" Sid asked, glancing sideways at Gene. Unbeknownst to Gene, he had been wearing a pained expression and holding his breath. "I'm sure she'll be delighted to see you. You don't need to be so nervous." Gene almost laughed. Sid had no idea what he was saying. He had no idea at all. "I'm just tired. I haven't slept well in ages." Gene responded, changing the subject. He couldn't stand telling Sid anymore lies than he had to. And there was no way to explain the worry without explaining the truth. "Yeah, I hear you there. Some nights I get a couple hours. Some nights it feels I get a solid couple minutes. Mary's understanding about it." Gene's mind wandered to whether he and Snafu would keep each other up at night with their nightmares. With their stirring. Maybe they'd both stay up together knowing what it was like in each other's brains. Maybe they'd get real good at distracting each other instead. Gene would give anything to let Snafu use him as a distraction. Gene could wrap his legs around Snafu. He could let Snafu move inside of him until they both forgot about everything but each other.

"I'm happy you two have each other," Gene shouted over his thoughts. Sid laughed at him. "Well, I'm overjoyed you want the whole world to know how happy you are for us, Eugene." He was ripping apart at the seams and it was only a matter of time before he lost the ability to pull himself to reality. He had to get away from Sid. From this town. From these burdens. Luckily, the rest of the drive remained uneventful as Sid let Gene get lost in his thoughts, and Gene willed his thoughts to stay in his head. He worried every thought was writing itself out on his face. On every inch of exposed skin. And when he stepped out of the car to say goodbye to Sid, the truth would be there staring back at him. And Sid would stare on, horrified. Until he called out for the police, and Gene was taken away. All his rights stripped, as if he had never existed at all. Just as God had intended.

They pulled into the station, when Sid slammed on the breaks and the car jolted. "Eugene, you don't have any bags with you! How did I not notice? What the hell are you going to do? You can't show up to your lady looking like that." Gene's head snapped to look at Sid. "How dare you? I've never looked so good?" He left his mouth slightly agape in mock horror at what Sid had insinuated. Sid laughed in return. "You haven't shaved, and I think you slept in those clothes." Gene hadn't even thought about clothes. About belongings. He guessed he'd have to start over when he got to Louisiana. "I bet they dress differently down there anyway. I'll consult the best shopkeepers around when I arrive." Gene wanted to get on that train before he changed his mind. If they left to go to his house to grab clothes he'd never come back.

"Do you even have any money?" Gene could've kicked himself. He really brought nothing. He wouldn't even be able to leave if he wanted to. Sid leaned slightly and dug in his coat pocket until he pulled out a wad of bills with a rubber band around them. Sid had a lot of distrust for banks, and often kept cash on him or hidden in his home. "No," Gene was already protesting. He would go home. He would forget this foolishness. "Yes, take it." Sid was pushing the money into Gene's coat pocket. "Absolutely not, stop it. I won't take money from yo-" Sid unfastened Gene's seatbelt and then pushed open his own car door and stepped out. "Sid!" Gene threw his door open and their eyes met over the roof of the car. "I can't take this." Gene couldn't lie to his friend and then rob him of his money too. "Eugene. If you don't take the money and get the hell out of this town I will take it personally. You can't stay here and keep doing this. Look at you. This is your chance to start over. Don't you want that? I'd do anything to get you back. This is the least I can do for you. Now get your ass up to that counter, get your tickets, and get out of my hair before I drag your scrawny ass up there and embarrass you in front of all of these decent folk."

"Sid--"

"I mean it!" Gene snapped his mouth shut. "I won't take no for an answer. Now get."

Gene came around to Sid's side of the car. "I'll never be able to repay you." Sid wrapped an arm around him in a gentle hug. This may be the last time Sid would ever touch him without disgust. Without questioning what dirty thoughts Gene took away from these interactions. Gene loved Sid, but never in that way. He was his brother. But Sid would never understand that distinction. Sid would be horrified by every time Gene had ever touched him. Gene hugged Sid, hard. He loved him like family. The thought of losing Sid crushed him. He tried to pour every ounce of his love into Sid with one hug. 'Please,' he mentally begged, 'Please know that I'll never be able to repay you for all the love you've given me. I've lied to you. I've deceived you. You're pure, and I'm rotten, and I deserve none of this.' Sid hugged him back with a similar strength before pushing Gene gently to arms length and putting a hand on each bicep. "You write to me, Eugene. You tell me everything." Gene nearly crumbled under the weight of his lies. He'd never be able to tell Sid everything. Even if he died to.

"I will," he lied. He was becoming a pro at this.

Sid stepped to the left and turned around to rest against the drivers side of the car. Giving Gene the room to leave and head towards the counter. Gene took the opportunity before he could stop himself. He approached the long line to wait for his turn. He stole a glance at Sid who waved goodbye at him, and got in the drivers seat. Sid must've wanted to keep his promise to return to his house for Gene's bike, and notify Gene's parents before they worried. Gene again mentally thanked Sid for every single thing he ever did for him, and moved one step closer towards his future.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We're only on Chapter 2 and I'm already trying to write smut. I can't be controlled. 
> 
> Translations:  
> T’inquiète - "Don't worry"
> 
> I think the rest are pretty common phrases, but just in case  
> Cher - "Dear"  
> Merci beaucoup/bien - "Thank you (a lot)"  
> Bienvenue - "Welcome"  
> Messieurs - "Gentlemen"
> 
> There was seriously a hotel called the "Grouchy Hotel" in Baton Rouge in the 1940's. I can't make this shit up. I've also never read 'Mind At The End of Its Tether," by H.G Wells. However, the premise is humans will die out and be replaced by a more advanced species.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Constructive criticism is always welcome! I slammed this out in a week, so here she is in all her erratic glory.

Gene felt as if he’d been in line for days when he finally reached the ticket counter. As he spoke the words ‘New Orleans’ aloud, purchased his ticket, and turned to sit and wait for the train, he finally realized he had no idea where he was headed. Or whether Snafu even still lived in New Orleans. But he had come too far to turn back now. He couldn't imagine returning home. Couldn't imagine explaining, 'You know, I forgot I had no idea where my long-lost love lived,' to Sid without confessing the entire truth. He had nothing to return to anyway. Perhaps this could be good for him. Maybe just walking the same streets Snafu had walked would fill some of the gaping holes left in him from the war. Maybe coming home from the war had been so hard because he tried to return to his old life. The life he had before he ever met Snafu. It would be impossible for him to ever be the person he had been. Trying to fake it wasn't doing him any good.

When the train finally pulled into the station Gene had talked himself in and out of the trip about a dozen times. But he was doing this. He wasn't a quitter. He handed over his ticket and stepped up the platform onto the train. It wasn't the glamorous train they had ridden home from the war. It was cramped, and people were everywhere. Gene felt as though he couldn't breathe. He tried to take note of every exit available to him in case he needed to escape. He was catching pieces of conversations. Families trying to stay together. Men on business trips. Screaming children. It all slammed into his consciousness at maximum volume as his breathing sped up. He rushed past the seats trying to find somewhere he could be alone. Touching each seat as he passed and propelling himself forward. By the time he reached a compartment that was quiet, he had nearly reached the end of the train. He sat down in one of the empty seats by the window, and immediately propped it open. The mid-September air was still warm, like it always was in Alabama. But there was a gentle breeze that brought him some relief. He gulped it down like fresh water. He wished he had thought to bring a book or magazines. He was going to spend a day and a half with no one else for company but his own mind. This was going to be bad. He nearly bought a newspaper to read but thought better of it. He didn't want to risk reading about the war.

He sighed heavily and leaned his seat back to lay down. Then immediately regretted it and sat back up. He didn't like the feeling of not being able to see his surroundings. There were too many people around. He resigned himself to imagining what it would be like to see Snafu again. Those blue eyes. That sly smirk. He wondered what it would feel like to see Snafu outside of the battlegrounds. In America, in Louisiana, in his hometown. Wherever that may be. Gene had been a fool not to ask for Snafu's address before they boarded the train. They were all just so exhausted and ready to return home. They didn't much think about life beyond that. They had survived. It was inconceivable, unwanted, and unnatural.

Gene suddenly remembered a story Snafu had told the night of their drunken celebration with Burgie. Snafu had mentioned getting into trouble with the Baton Rouge police. Snafu had been pulled over for speeding, and when the officer approached the car window, he was met with Snafu's, “pale white ass against the glass.” As he had poetically explained it. Burgie and Gene had howled with laughter. Gene wasn't sure how Snafu managed to escape being detained, but they had been too drunk then to question it. If he were honest, Gene had been bordering on black out drunk at that point. His consciousness black spotted and stuttering like a worn-out filmstrip. He couldn't believe he remembered anything from that night. It boosted his spirits to know he had a starting place for hunting down Snafu.

He wondered if he was crazy. Obviously, Snafu didn't see fit to seek Gene out, but he didn't know what that proved. Considering Gene had just now boarded a train destined for New Orleans 7 months later. He couldn't believe 7 months of his life was already gone. It seemed he hadn't moved since disembarking the train home in February. Yet here he was, back on a train. Headed for great things or tragedy. He tried not to focus on the potential embarrassment of being rejected. What if Snafu pretended he didn’t know who Gene was? What if he was disgusted by Gene’s longing for him? And he had no choice but to accept that whatever connection he thought there was had been imagined. God would humiliate and ruin him again. He wasn't sure he could accept more of it. Maybe he'd die right there on the sidewalk in his several day-old clothes. Maybe people would just step on him as they walked by. Their feet passing through his ghostly form. The final indication that he never made it off Okinawa. And all the past several months were just the beginnings of his eternity in hell. He closed his eyes and tried to shut out the worst-case scenarios. Snafu had already rejected him once; he could surely live through it again.

\---

As the train neared the terminal at New Orleans, Gene could feel his heart thumping in his throat. It didn't matter that he would just be stepping off the train to board a bus to Baton Rouge. He was virtually in the same city Snafu might be in. He may see Snafu again. He spent most of the train ride alternating between watching out the window, and fist fighting his brain into submission. Several people filed into the seats around him, and it made him more restless with every person that joined. Luckily, the person next to him had brought a surplus of reading material and offered him a book. 'Mind At The End of Its Tether," which had distracted Gene for a good half hour. And then another couple hours when his mind pondered if the book had been right. Maybe humanity would cease to exist. This aligned with his assumptions that God had expected both the Japs and Americans to die. War was everywhere. The world was on fire. And here Gene was, chasing a boy that might not want anything to do with him. What else was a guy to do during the apocalypse? He might as well get his first kiss before the world ended. Ed had poked fun at him for keeping his virginity throughout the entire war. But Sledge had also been a bit surprised and fed up with it. He wanted to forget. And he knew no better way than to give in completely to sin. The elderly woman next to him shifted in her seat, and Gene blushed. He sure hoped she couldn’t read minds. He carefully returned the book to her and thanked her.

Gene waited in line, boarded a bus, and did more waiting. Became more restless. He hadn't showered in days. He was still wearing the same clothes. At least if he ran into Snafu now, he'd be recognizable. He looked just as disheveled as he had in the war. He was buzzing with energy. Even though he hadn’t slept more than four hours both nights, he had never felt more alive. He was bordering on giddy. Finally, he stepped off the bus and into Baton Rouge. He was immediately met with traffic, people, and bright lights. His eyes landed on a Sears, and he decided he'd stop in for some clothes. He tried to imagine what Snafu would find attractive, but he had no idea if Snafu even liked men. Or him. He must've looked helpless because it wasn't long before he was approached and assisted. He considered asking, “Picture this, you decide to chase down the man of your dreams. But only after finally accepting you might perhaps be homosexual, and it took losing your entire identify in a hard-fought war to reach this conclusion. What would YOU wear?” But thought better of it.

"I'm trying to find clothing that would impress….someone." He finished lamely. He knew he looked ragged. It made him feel even more unsure of himself. "Delightful! Come this way, I know exactly what you need." Before long he was handing over money for several sweaters. Some had a chain-link pattern across the chest, while others were knit vests he could wear over the collared shirts he’d purchased. He bought suspenders, a gabardine jacket, cream trousers, and several brown and maroon pants. He delightedly purchased a couple of fountain pens and paper as well so he could write to Sid. He tucked the receipt in his pocket with the others so he could track how much money he owed Sid. There was no way he wouldn't pay back his friend. He stepped back out into the light and looked around. He needed to find a motel to stay in. He desperately needed a shower. He walked several blocks until he spotted a hotel called the 'Grouchy Hotel,' and stopped in his tracks. No wonder Snafu was the way that he was, the entire city called it like they saw it. Gene's arms were nearly numb, and he decided this would have to do. Grouchy personnel or not, he'd be delighted to check in.

Checked in, and successfully in his room, he dropped his bags all over the floor and immediately stripped off his clothes. He lingered in the bathtub, soaping up several times before feeling clean. If he was going to see Snafu, he wanted to be presentable. He toweled off, put together some of his new ensemble, and then felt at a loss at what he should do next. How was he supposed to find Snafu in this huge town? He had no idea if he had even chosen the right place. It had been one story Snafu had told while blindingly drunk. Gene’s stomach growled and he checked his watch. It was nearly 1600. He decided he’d venture back out in the street for a meal. He hadn’t eaten much the past few days. Mostly due to nerves, but he also had no idea how long he would be paying for a hotel, and they weren’t cheap.

Gene stopped at the front desk for some food recommendations then made his way out into the street. He headed towards the water, as he was told to. He hoped he would find it relaxing, and not an unpleasant reminder. He had a tumultuous relationship with water since the war. He used to love swimming, or the sound and feeling of fresh rain. But after spending months soaked to the bone, he wasn’t sure he ever wanted to be wet again. He followed his nose until he had reached a pizza shop. His stomach groaned in excitement. Before long, he was seated and reviewing the menu. Contemplating whether he should buy one of everything. Suddenly a worker emerged from the kitchen walking backwards while he spoke to someone in front of him.

“I can’t thank you enough Mr. Shelton, you do great work.” Shelton, Gene thought, must be a popular surname around these parts. Great. It wasn’t already going to be hard enough to find Snafu. The odds continued to mount against him. It was likely he’d spend all this time, money, and return home just as lost as he’d been before he left. He was like a mistreated dog, returning to the only home he ever knew even though it would eventually kill him.

“It was nuthin’, Mr. Alesce. You enjoy that cool air, now,” Gene dropped his drink and didn’t even register when the glass shattered against the table, and then the floor. His Coke splattered all over him.

He’d know that voice anywhere. His head turned so fast to the side it cramped. He stood up and his chair tilted before it clattered to the floor. Time slowed; his blood rushed to his head. He was going to pass out. He turned and stared directly at Snafu, who had a faraway look to his eyes. The shattering of glass must’ve startled him. Or perhaps seeing Gene had caused the wild look in his eyes. Maybe Gene was the last person he ever wanted to see again. But in true Snafu fashion, he shook it off faster than Gene could. Someone rushed over, apologizing to Gene as if it had been their fault the glass shattered. Gene was standing in shards of it when he locked eyes with Snafu.

Those fuckin’ blue eyes. They were the same as the last time he saw them. Somewhat darker underneath from lack of sleep, but so beautiful. They stood staring at each other. Seconds, minutes, potentially hours passed. Maybe this was Gods final act. He’d let Gene have this moment for as long as he needed it, and then God would plunge him back into his home in Mobile. His chance at freedom ripped out of his hands. He’d be clawing his nails raw at the door, begging for another glimpse of the life he would never have.

Snafu was walking towards him. Gene backed up and hit the wall behind him. Then, as if the walls were made of rubber, he propelled himself forward and began walking towards Snafu. They met in the middle. Gene thought it funny that they were always doing that. Meeting each other halfway in every situation.

“You look like shit, Eugene,” Snafu smiled his stupid damn shit eatin’ grin. His attempt at a lighthearted hello.

“You—You fool. You fuckin’---Damn, piece of----. You absolute piece of---. You fuckin’…. Damn fool!” Gene’s voice was rising, and he couldn’t stop it. He knew he shouldn’t be causing a scene. He just kept hurling insults and growing louder. This is not how he imagined reuniting with Snaf’. Snafu’s smile dropped. He began pushing Gene towards the door. Gene was fighting him off. Hitting him with one closed fist, right in the shoulder, and then the other hand joined in.

“You have a great day now, Mr. Alesce. Ouais, t’inquiète! I got this handled. Merci, beaucoup. Naw, it’s on the house!” Snafu continued pushing Gene until he was out the door and on the sidewalk. Snafu grabbed Gene’s hands and dragged them behind his back until Gene was in front of him. Snafu held a tight grip on both of Gene’s biceps. “You gotta calm down, cher.”

Gene nearly fought his arms free so he could wrap both hands around that tanned throat. Cher…who the hell was he calling cher when he left Gene. Abandoned him. When Gene needed him the most, he just walked out. “Don’t you sweet talk me, you asshole,” Snafu chuckled.

“I’m not kiddin’ with you, Snafu! Why didn’t you wake me up? Why?!” Gene tried to free his arms but realized immediately it was pointless. All he managed to do was swing both men wildly from one side then the other.

“I don’t know. I didn’t think it’d matter so much to you. Just…thought you’d move on.” Snafu responded.

“Excuse me, is that supposed to calm me down because now I’m extra fired up.”

“What are you doing here?” That calmed Gene down. What a good question. What the hell was he doing here. Talking to this man who obviously didn’t think walking out of Gene’s life was much of a big deal. It seemed to measure up to swatting away a pesky fly to Snafu. He washed his hands of him, and then just continued his life as it was. While Gene’s life had completely stopped. Right up until the moment he locked eyes again with Snafu. Surely, he had broken the spell, and time would begin ticking again for him. Gene stopped struggling, and said in an icy tone, “Making a huge mistake, apparently. Let me go.”

“Now wait just a second, Eugene. I didn’t mean it how’ya heard it.”

“I heard it just fine. Let go of me.” Gene wrenched his right arm and swung both men to the right. Dangerously close to the road.

“I don’t want to.” Snafu said, matter of fact.

Gene laughed. “That’s rich. You did such a beautiful job of it the first time.” Snafu twisted Gene around so he was facing him. “Don’t mistake my absence for indifference. I-“ Snafu seemed to be bracing himself. “I’m incredible at fucking up my own life. Don’t take it personally.”

Gene hadn’t expected to hear such honestly. His mouth hung open as he tried to think of a response. He eventually just closed it. Did Snafu really think leaving Gene had fucked up his life? He seemed so aloof about it. Gene didn’t understand how Snafu could hold so much regret, and then just act like nothing was amiss when they met again.

Snafu twisted Gene back around, placed a hand on the small of his back, and began steering him. “Where you staying at? How long you been here? You really fucked up your clothes, man. I hope you got more.” Gene was barely registering his movements as he walked both men towards the direction of his hotel. His clothes. What a waste of Sid’s money. Maybe he should just walk them both to the water and jump in. Kill two birds with one stone. Clean his clothes, and the sin off him.

“I’ve been here for…Maybe a couple of hours.”

“No shit? Ain’t that somethin’. You got lucky; I’d been procrastinating this job because the bus ride here is a bitch.” Gene couldn’t believe his luck. The utter fate involved in his reuniting with Snafu. It was almost as unreal as their chance to meet in the first place. If the war had never happened, what would his life be like right now? Would he be continuing to force himself to go on dates with girls? Would he still listen to all the guys around him talk about the things they did with girls in the dark? While Gene continued to hope his innocence protected him from questioning? While Sid continued protecting him from questioning? Before long, Snafu and Gene reached the hotel. Snafu dropped his hands from Gene’s back.

“You know what brought me here? I remembered that damn story you told about mooning that police officer. That’s why I chose Baton Rouge.”

Snafu laughed loudly, “Aw, Gene, I can’t believe that. I made all that up!”

Gene nearly started laughing hysterically. Instead, an anguished cry ripped out of him and he began sobbing. Snafu was here. He recognized him. He had walked him back to his hotel. He regretted leaving Gene. Snafu looked incredibly startled and vulnerable. Like the face he wore when Gene threated to cut that Japs teeth out.

“Eugene, I’m sorry. I’m real sorry. I shouldn’t have made that up.” Snafu offered.

Gene laughed as tears slid down his cheeks, “That’s not why I’m upset.” He quickly wiped away the tears, embarrassed at losing his composure, “I don’t even know if I am upset. I just can’t believe I found you so quickly. My life stopped the second you left me on that train. I haven’t breathed in months. I feel like I died on that damn train, Snaf.”

Snafu looked genuinely confused. “Why? You have a great family. I thought….. A good home. Friends….” He trailed off. “You have so much good in your life.”

“I don’t care about any of that. They don’t understand. They can’t accept who I am now. That I’m not me anymore, and I might never be again. You were the only person to understand.” Gene paused; lowered his voice in case anyone walked by. They were in public after all. “You’re all I think about. All of the time.”

Snafu continued to look perplexed. Gene left Snafu’s side and opened the door for them to enter the hotel. “Let’s talk inside,” he offered. Snafu slowly nodded.

“Bienvenue, messieurs!” The man at the front desk called fondly. “Merci bien. Bonne journée,” Snafu responded. Gene smiled politely at the man. He was really going to have to pick up some French while he was here.

They remained silent as they walked to Gene’s room. Gene opened the door for Snafu, then quickly turned to close and latch it. When he turned around again, Snafu was on him. Pushing him against the door and touching noses with him. Snafu’s breath was a breeze against Gene’s lips. Gene forgot everything he was going to say. Every moment of sadness and despair. He forgot his own name. All he could think about was Snafu’s mouth on his.

Gene reached both hands towards the sides of Snafu’s neck. Gently touching his fingertips to his skin. Gene pressed, bringing Snafu toward him, and closed the gap. It was like dunking his head in ice cold water. He’d never felt so alive in his life. His heartbeat sped up. Warmth traveled from his mouth, down his throat, filling his chest, butterflies bounced off his stomach, and a ball of heat shot straight into his groin. He moaned in Shelton’s mouth. Snafu positioned both his hands firmly on Gene’s hips. Pulling him towards Snafu until Gene’s sticky clothes rested against Snafu’s. Gene wanted to chastise him. ‘You’ll get your nice work clothes all dirty,’ Gene thought. But he didn’t dare stop to voice his concerns.

Gene was softly rubbing his fingers along the back of Snafu’s neck, then he dragged his fingertips up along the sides. Landing in Snafu’s hair behind his ears. The curls were as soft as he imagined they’d be. He opened his mouth wider and slipped his tongue into Snafu’s mouth. Snafu moaned. Responding by sucking on Gene’s tongue and tightening his hold on his hips. Taking control of the situation. Of Gene. Gene was overheating. This was better than any fantasy he ever thought up. He must’ve said as much because Snafu chuckled.

“You think about this often, boo?” Gene brought Snafu in for another slow, open-mouthed kiss. When Gene broke off the kiss to respond, Snafu caught Gene’s lower lip in his teeth and sucked. Gene moaned and took a deep breath. “I can’t believe you left me. Left this.” Snafu seemed to be thinking before responding, which was a real first. “I thought it’d be better. For you. I couldn’t-“ Snafu struggled again to find words.

“I couldn’t stand bullshitting with you like we did with Burgie. I’d have asked you to come home with me. And I ain’t—Eugene.” He opened his arms wide, “I ain’t got shit to offer you here.”

Gene stared pointedly. “What do you think I need other than you? Just you. It’s simple as that.”

Snafu was shaking his head in disbelief, “I don’t understand you, Sledgehamma’. You got the whole world in your hands, and you’re just gonna keep chasing the one thing you think you’re missing.”

“I don’t understand you neither,” Gene retorted. “You claimed leaving fucked up your life, and you just walked away. Like you left one of your bags on the train. As if you might be able to just replace what you lost, so there’s no need to go searching for it.”

“I wasn’t interested in replacing it. I was just gonna add it to the list of irreversible mistakes and leave it at that.” Snafu reasoned.

“Why?” Gene’s eyebrows knit together in confusion.

Snafu shrugged, “I told you, I don’t know. I just thought it’d be better for you.” Gene scoffed, “Well you got a lot to learn about what’s good for me then. I can take care of myself. You just stay out of making decisions for me from now on. I’m a big boy. You should’ve at least given me the option. I’d have come home with you if you had asked.”

“That’s what I was afraid of,” Snafu responded quickly. “That I’d hold you back. From moving on. From being happy. Starting over--” Gene interrupted, “There’s no startin’ over unless it’s with you.” Snafu smiled slowly, his eyes half-lidded, “You’re a real sap, Eugene.” Gene laughed. And it felt good. His stomach groaned loud enough for both men to hear it.

Snafu finally turned to look around the hotel room. Gene had left his bags scattered everywhere from earlier. “You get robbed while you was out?” Snafu teased. Gene started removing his clothes. Snafu went a bit red and turned around to offer Gene some privacy. Gene had to bite his lower lip to keep from laughing. “What’re you doing? You just had your tongue halfway to my tonsils, and now you’re protecting my modesty?” Snafu’s laugh burst from him. Gene’s grin nearly split his face. He missed this. The teasing, the laughing. It felt so good to be safe with Snafu. They could just be men. Boys. War had aged them greatly. Mentally and physically. But they still reached in and yanked out each other’s youthfulness. Their innocence. This is what he had desperately been missing.

“Shut up and get yourself cleaned up. I’m going to take you to dinner. Isn’t that how this works? Take you to dinner first before I take you to bed?” Snafu said it so matter-of-factly it was Gene’s turn to blush. “You’re an animal.” Gene kidded, and Snafu chuckled. “You chose this life, Eugene. Got no one to blame but yourself.” Snafu had no idea about the implication of those words. How true they really were. Gene had brought everything upon himself. The war, the anguish, the brokenness. But also, the joy, love, and growth. He didn’t want to imagine what his life would’ve been like without the war because then he wouldn’t be right here with Snafu. And that was a life he already tried to live and couldn’t. Gene changed out of his clothes and dropped them in the tub with some water. He soaped them up, but he doubted it’d do much. He might as well try, he figured. He quickly washed the stickiness off himself in the sink, redressed, and did a 360 turn for Snafu, who laughed. He was sitting on the bed, practicing patience as Gene tidied up. You ready? Before the entire town closes down?” Gene crept up and stood between Snafu’s thighs, dropping a gentle kiss to his lips before standing and heading for the door. “Lead the way.” Gene had already followed Snafu to hell and back. He’d be delighted to follow him anywhere for the rest of his life.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This literally just porn with plot. I genuinely have lost control of my life.

Snafu decided they should go to a different restaurant than the one they had been at earlier. Gene disagreed. Gene was beginning to understand Shelton was a big fan of letting sleeping dogs lie. Whereas Gene liked to emerge from the yard the dog had been in, with ripped clothing, teeth and bite marks tattooed on his skin, and then turn right back around and see if the dog felt any differently now. He welcomed ripping off a band-aid from a wound he inflicted. Just to get a good look at it. “I’d feel better if I wasn’t too embarrassed to ever go back,” Gene reasoned.

“What for? We ain’t gonna be here long. I was thinking you’d come home with me tomorrow.” Snafu rubbed the collar of his shirt. Gene noticed Snafu was always doing that when he felt unsure of himself. Gene smiled privately. “I mean, if you want to.” Snafu added.

Gene stared blankly at him. “Actually, I just came all this way to-,” Gene dropped his voice to a whisper, “make out with you in my hotel room,” returned to normal volume, “And then just head back home. A little, ‘nice doin’ business with you,’ after a two-day trip all the way here.” Gene turned his head and stared pointedly at Shelton. “Yes, Merriell, I’ll come home with you.”

Snafu was grinning, “Merriell?” Gene shrugged, “I can’t call you Snafu forever if we’re going to keep doing….this.” He gestured vaguely. “Plus, I like it.” Gene glanced at Snafu to try to catch his reaction. His wide smile made Gene smile in return. Seeing Snafu so happy was like ointment on a wound. 

“You might as well get used to it. You gonna be sayin’ it plenty if I have anything to do with it,” he mumbled. Gene laughed, cheeks darkening. They approached the restaurant, and Snafu held the door open for him. The workers turned, recognized Gene, and looked a bit apprehensive.

“Hey y’all, I just wanted to apologize for earlier. I, uh- I just returned from the war.” He chose a half-truth, as was his tradition. He thought better than to add, ‘and this guy right here left me on the train when we were meant to run off into the sunset together. I was a little bit unreasonable about it.’ The man Snafu had been speaking to earlier, Mr. Alesce, wore a mask of sympathy and held up his hand in a ‘stop right there’ motion.

“Say no more, monsieur. It is forgotten. Se tirer une bûche, Come, sit.” He gestured to a table for two. Snafu and Gene sat, and promptly ordered. Gene had already decided on his order the first time he arrived, prior to his meltdown. And Snafu was happy to just eat whatever. Gene felt a bit awkward and wasn’t sure what to talk about. It was easy during the war; you didn’t talk about anything. You basked in the silence. Thankful that you had a chance to live another day. Being safe, and therefore being able to chat about commonplace things, felt strange on his tongue. And they couldn’t really discuss their relationship. If that was what they were calling it. Was he Snafu’s boyfriend? After one kiss? But it was more than one kiss. It was an entire lifetime together. It was watching your old self die, and the other man grabbing a shovel to help you bury him. It was the other man holding your hand and coaxing you through contractions as you birthed your new self. Right there in the dirt. Gene chuckled at his analogy, imagining Snafu holding his hand while he screamed and birthed a different personality. “What’re you laughing about?” Snafu asked.

“I’ll tell you later,” Gene rubbed his hands over his face. Maybe he was descending into madness trying to adjust to civilian life. Snafu raised an eyebrow. “What did you do when you got home?” He offered instead.

Snafu breathed in deep and blew out a lengthy sigh. “Well, I took a bus home. To Jackson, in East Feliciana Parish, by the way. Just in case I misplace you between now and when we ‘sposed to head to my place.” Snafu playfully remarked, “S’about an hour from here by bus, give or take. I went home, I lit up a cigarette, and then the next day I got back to work. I install air conditioners, fix ‘em up.” Snafu paused, “And I just do that now. Smoke, work, smoke, eat, sometimes sleep. It’s an easy routine.”

Gene couldn’t help but feel insecure about Snafu returning home and settling into a routine. Especially so easily. He just moved on with his life as if he’d never left. Would he have remained content like that? Never wondering where Gene was, or how he was doing? Never once imagining how things could’ve been different? “How did your parents take you coming home?” Gene asked, taking a considerable gulp of his drink. Since the war, it was like he could never quench his thirst.

“They’re dead,” Snafu answered easily.

Gene was glad he finished swallowing his drink or he’d have spit it right at Snafu. “Oh….” Gene’s shock left him at a loss for words. “I’m sorry, I had…no idea.” Of course, he had no idea. Snafu never talked about his life back home. Snafu knew that. He shrugged, “It was a while ago.” Snafu took his turn sipping from his drink and reached for a cigarette. He seemed completely unphased by the discussion. He tilted the pack towards Gene to offer him a cigarette. Gene took it.

“How did they die?” Gene wasn’t sure if he was overstepping boundaries to ask such a sensitive question, but he thought maybe more detail would help ease the tension. Maybe he could offer some support. Like a good boyfriend?/partner?/lover? would.

“They killed themselves.” Gene’s face immediately contorted in regret, “Jesus Christ, I’m gonna shut up now.” Gene hesitated, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted, Matthew 5:4,” he recited quietly.

“I think you go to hell if you kill yourself. Ain’t that what they say?” A smirk played at the corner of Snafu’s mouth. Gene let his forehead hit the table, where he left it. He hoped the ground would swallow him up. Snafu laughed. “It’s alright, Gene. I’m givin’ you a hard time. What did you do when you got home? Besides dream about me every night?”

Gene chuckled softly, “First, I’m sorry. For everything I just said. Second, shut up,” he lifted his head, “Well—uh, I tried to enroll in classes, but they didn’t think I learned anything useful in the Marine Corps. So, I got pissed off and went home. Other than that….” Gene trailed off. “I don’t know.” He shrugged. “I just kinda… zoned out a lot,” he finished blandly.

“They’re fuckin’ stupid if they think you ain’t qualified. So, that’s probably the best thing that ever happened to you. What the hell could they teach you that you don’t already know anyway? You’re like a genius.” Snafu took a long drag from his cigarette. “But you really did nothing all this time? I thought you’d be in school, working…Doing all kinds of stuff.”

Gene found it interesting that Snafu thought he’d just return home, put away his uniform, and be the same person he had been. While Gene thought Snafu would be struggling just as much as Gene did. Did they really know each other at all? Gene’s teeth worried at his bottom lip. “Nope, I already told you,” he leaned in closer so Snafu could hear him as he lowered his voice, “My life stopped after you.”

Snafu shook his head, as if unwilling to accept the answer. Perhaps discussing their lives wasn’t a benefit to either of them right now. Their food arrived, and they both ate in silence. Halting their conversation abruptly and watching each other. Gene always felt their connection to each other strengthened during quiet moments. It was as if their affection was more pronounced when the world was at peace, and it was just the two of them existing in a shared space. Gene worried whether he and Snafu could make it through the normalcy of life together. Maybe their love was too used to chaos to survive outside it. But he was determined to see this through. He knew how he felt. It had to count for something.

They finished their meals, and Snafu snagged the bill the second it hit the table. Gene argued with him about it. Snafu responded by staring at him, smiling. Gene wondered if Snafu was purposefully aggravating because he enjoyed the reaction he got out of Gene. He eventually gave in and let Snafu win. They both thanked Mr. Alesce for his hospitality and walked out into the sticky evening air.

Snafu looked around him suddenly, and Gene stiffened. Then he too began looking around. Trying to spot what had sent Snafu on lookout duty. As he was scanning, Snafu had moved to stand so close to Gene their shoulders were touching. He then laced their fingers together. This was dangerous. Gene was thrilled. They maintained their hold on each other’s fingers until they turned onto the street the hotel was on. They’d be sure to run into other people. Gene reluctantly pulled his hand away and took a step sideways to create distance between them. It felt like a mile.

They made their way into the hotel, up to the hotel room, and Gene again let Snafu inside. As was their routine, Gene turned to close and lock the door. When he turned back around, Snafu was on him again. Gene laughed softly into Snafu’s mouth. Snafu moved his hands to grip Gene’s biceps, then traced his hands up Gene’s shoulders and over, down his back, and landed both hands firmly on his ass. Gripping him and pushing Gene’s hips against his. Gene resumed their earlier battle and slid his tongue against Snafu’s. Placing his hand on the back of Snafu’s head. Threading his fingers in those soft curls. Snafu started walking backwards, pulling Gene along by the grip he still had on his ass. Gene broke the kiss to laugh as they moved.

“Don’t want to let go,” Snafu reasoned.

The back of Snafu’s knees hit the bed and he sat down. Gene immediately bent to rip off his shoes, breaking Snafu’s contact with him. Snafu grumbled. Gene hastily tossed his shoes aside, then put his knees on either side of Snafu’s hips and sat. Balancing himself on his thighs. Snafu’s hands moved to Gene’s hips. Gene wrapped his arms around Snafu’s neck and inched himself forward. Snafu immediately assisted, pulling Gene’s hips towards him until he was sitting right on top of the swell in Snafu’s trousers. Gene’s mouth went dry. Snafu slowly closed his eyes. Savoring the feeling.

Gene again lifted his hips, then ground himself against Snafu. Both men moaned. Gene suddenly worried about whether anyone occupied the neighbouring rooms and made a shushing noise. Again, repeating his movement. Softly gasping out a moan. Snafu closed the gap between he and Gene and kissed him with fervor. Even though it was their first night together, Gene easily admitted to himself he’d be disappointed if he and Snafu didn’t sleep together tonight. He was high with nervousness and overwhelmed with lust.

He began unbuttoning Snafu’s shirt as they kissed. Snafu began doing the same for Gene. Gene undid the button on Snafu’s trousers so he could untuck the shirt and slide it off his shoulders. As soon as the skin was exposed, Gene immediately broke their kiss and moved to Snafu’s neck. Tracing a line with his tongue from his neck to his earlobe, taking his earlobe in his mouth. Snafu slid Gene’s shirt off, and gently pinched one of his nipples. Gene stopped his attack on Snafu’s neck and let out a groan. He knew he looked confused, startled at his own reaction. Snafu smiled, “Thought you might be the type to like that.”

“You got practice with a lot of types?” Gene inquired.

“Don’t you worry your pretty little red head, cher. You’re the only type I wanna practice with." Snafu started sensually kissing Gene’s neck between words. You’re Smart, kind, funny,” each kiss made Gene’s stomach prickle with want. He’d felt butterflies in his stomach before, but this was something else entirely. Snafu’s voice became a husky whisper, “Fiesty….Sexy,” Gene had never received such compliments. He knew he was blushing, but he didn’t care. “I wanna lay you down,” Snafu whispered, but it was a question rather than a statement.

“I’d like that,” Gene responded, breathlessly.

Snafu picked Gene up with him as he stood. Gene lifted his legs to wrap around Snafu’s hips. Snafu turned them both around and laid Gene down. Snafu initially remained leaning over Gene, pressing kisses to Gene’s left collarbone, then lowered it to his nipple and sucked. Gene tried to shove his entire fist in his mouth to quiet himself. His senses were so overwhelmed he was having difficulty thinking. Overstimulated by his anxiety and his arousal. Snafu moved down until he was kissing Gene’s ribs, his stomach. Snafu unbuttoned Gene’s pants and dragged them down and off. Gene could only hear the loud pounding of his heart. It was his only thought. He’d never done this with anyone before. He worried he wouldn’t know what to do. That he might do or say something embarrassing. Snafu kissed along Gene’s left and then right hip bones.

As he grabbed the sides of Gene’s boxer shorts to pull them off, Gene blurted out, “Are we dating?”

Snafu paused and looked up. “You gonna make me propose to ya?” He joked. Gene was too nervous to laugh. Snafu must’ve finally realized Gene was shaking. “Mon chou, it’s alright.” Snafu hurriedly moved to sit beside Gene. Putting the back of his hand on Gene’s cheek, like he was checking his temperature. “You gotta talk to me. I can’t read your mind, and I don’t want to hurt you.”

“I don’t want you to stop,” Gene whispered. “Then what can I do for you?” Snafu asked. His hand gently massaged the scruff on Gene’s jaw.

“I’ve never done this before. I’ve never even kissed anyone before. But I’ve been thinking about this for a long time. I just need to know that you’re not going to go and disappear again.” Snafu nodded, “I’m not going anywhere, Eugene.” Gene took a deep breath, “And that you’re not just saying that to calm me down.” Snafu grabbed hold of Gene’s jaw and tilted his head, so they were looking into each other’s eyes, inches apart. “I’d say a lot of things to get your pants off, but none of it would be lies or empty words.” Gene laughed softly, his breath still shaking. “You already got my pants off.”

Gene lifted his hips and slowly slid his shorts down. It wasn’t anything Snafu hadn’t seen before. Hell, they’d both seen each other naked about a thousand times during the war. But Snafu still looked Gene up and down carefully. Like he was trying to take a mental picture of every inch of skin his eyes touched. Gene didn’t know what to do while Snafu stared, so he reached his hands towards Snafu’s pants and yanked on them. “You got me feeling crazy sittin’ here naked and you’re still all dressed.” Snafu walked on his knees until he neared the edge of the bed, then stepped off.

Snafu took his shoes off, then ripped both his pants and shorts off in one swift movement. Gene laughed loudly. Snafu seemed completely unflappable to Gene. He envied it. Snafu finished stepping out of his pants and returned to the edge of the bed. He waited for further direction from Gene. Gene licked his lips and stared at Shelton. Thinking of his next move. He rolled over onto his side and pulled himself towards Snafu. Snafu tilted his head, curious. Then Gene moved until he was staring right at Snafu’s cock. “You tryin’a make friends with it?” Gene ignored him and wrapped his lips around the head. It tasted…like Snafu. The salt of his skin, the hint of his soap. He swirled his tongue, trying to think of all the things he’d heard boys bragging about receiving from girls. Snafu’s hands moved to Gene’s head and threaded gently in his hair. Gene glanced up and took more of Snafu into his mouth.

“Fuckin’ Christ,” Snafu whispered, “I’m gonna finish any second you keep that up.” Snafu gently pulled Gene off him. He planted his knees on the bed and moved until he was beside Gene. Planting a hand on the small of his back. Gene turned his head to look back at him. “I’m gonna assume you ain’t never had fingers inside of you before?”

Gene went red. “You’re a real romantic, Merriell.” Snafu laughed, “I’m asking if it’s okay.” Gene rested his head on his arms, tilted to the left so he could watch everything Snafu was doing to him. “Nope, can’t say I’ve had the pleasure.” Snafu nodded and slipped his index finger in his mouth. Coating it with saliva. He grabbed one of the pillows and motioned for Gene to lift his hips. Gene did, and Snafu shoved the pillow under him. Raising his ass in the air. Then he moved to spread Gene apart. Gene suddenly felt embarrassed and turned his head until he was lying flat. “Nuh uh, look at me, Eugene.” Gene felt the pressure of Snafu’s finger at his entrance, and he tensed.

“S’alright, chou, look at me. Please?” Shelton’s voice was like melted chocolate. Coaxing him. Gene took a deep breath and let it out. Hearing the shake in his voice. He turned until he and Snafu were looking at each other. “You don’t have to be embarrassed. If you can’t already tell, I’m into this. Into you. Want you, Gene. So bad.” He was whispering, keeping his tone velvety. Gene relaxed. Snafu put his finger back in his mouth to recoat it, then immediately pushed it inside of Gene. Gene clenched again. Snafu rubbed his lower back.

“T'inquiète, mon chouchou. Tout va bien. T’es vraiment beau. Calme-toi.. Détendez votre corps.” Gene chuckled, “I have no idea what the fuck you’re sayin’.” Snafu laughed softly as well, “Relax for me.”

“I’m tryin’. I’m nervous.” Gene tried to focus on relaxing. “You’re doing great,” Snafu encouraged. Gene took a few deep breaths, and then went limp. Snafu took that moment to curl his finger upwards. Gene let out an embarrassingly loud noise.

“Shhhhhhhh,” Snafu laughed out. Gene bit his hand and moaned desperately. Snafu moved his finger slowly, massaging inside of Gene. Gene was a mess. He was making noises he had no idea he could make. Eyes glazed. Hips moving without him realizing it. Meeting Snafu’s fingers.

“Merriell,” Gene groaned out.

“That’s one. I’m gonna start tallying. Buy me a bible so I can keep track.” Gene would’ve laughed, would’ve felt guilt at what he was doing in the eyes of God, but he was bordering on death.

“Gonna add another,” Snafu warned.

“I don’t think you can. I’m going to drop dead.” Gene responded.

“You betta not, this is nothing compared to what I’m gonna do to you.” Gene couldn’t wait. This was the way he wanted to die all along. He just didn’t know it. Snafu added another finger, and Gene melted. He was making embarrassing whimpering noises. When Snafu removed his fingers, Gene sighed.

“You doing ok, Gene?”

Gene could only nod. Words were lost to him. He was still bent awkwardly, watching Snafu’s every movement. Snafu spit heavily into his hand multiple times and coated his cock with it. Gene rolled over onto his back and watched him. Snafu moved to kneel between Gene’s legs. Grabbed him under the knees, dragging his hips until his ass bumped Snafu’s cock. Gene let his legs spread, knees bent, feet flat on either side of Snafu’s legs. Snafu lifted Gene’s hips and teased his entrance with his cock. Rubbing slowly, getting him wet. “You’re so fuckin’ beautiful,” Snafu told him.

Gene looked up at him. Maintained eye contact as Snafu started pushing the head into him. The stretch made Gene arch his back off the bed. “You ok? Am I hurting you?”

“I’ll be alright,” Gene responded. His voice hoarse. “Don’t stop,” he pressed.

“Yessir,” Snafu responded. He didn’t stop until he was fully sheathed. Then he remained kneeling, staying completely still. Waiting for Gene to tell him when it was ok. Gene didn’t have the energy to form words. He just wrapped his legs around Snafu’s hips, heels digging into his ass and nodded his head. Snafu held onto Gene’s hips, pulled out, and slowly went all the way back in. “Merriell,” Gene prayed. His new Lord and savior. He’d worship him every day after this.

“That’s two,” Snafu bragged. Gene laughed and reached his hand out to touch himself. Feeling shy, but too filled with want to care. He slowly stroked, never taking his eyes off Snafu’s face.

“You feel good, Gene.” Snafu whispered. Gene moaned softly. “You like a lil’ bit’ of talking?” Snafu asked. Gene arched his back before pressing it back down into the bed.

“I knew you’d be kinda dirty.” Snafu whispered. Gene breathed out another moan. “Fuckin’ knew it.” Snafu laughed. “That feel good, baby?” Gene blushed at the term of endearment. It felt so feminine, but he didn’t mind. Not in this moment. Not like this. Spread open for Snafu and moving their hips in unison.

“Yes. Fuck yes.” Gene admitted, moaning in rhythm with their movements. Breathe in-Snafu pulls out, release a luxurious moan-Snafu pushes back in. Repeatedly. Gene gently thumped his heel against Snafu in a gesture of ‘giddy-up’ and eased up onto his elbows. “Do it, come on,” Gene egged him on. Snafu grabbed Gene’s hips and this time when he pulled out, he paused, “Cover your mouth for me please.” Gene squinted his eyes in confusion. “What?”

“I said cover your mouth.” He repeated. Gene brought one hand up and covered his mouth, so he was only propped up on one elbow. Snafu rammed back in. Gene keened. His other elbow buckled, and his back hit the bed. He ground his palm into his mouth to quiet himself. Snafu repeated the movement, the sound of Gene’s ass hitting Snafu’s hips was pornographic. Gene was going to hell for sure. No doubt about it now.

Snafu took what he wanted, and Gene tried to encourage him with noises, his name, prayers, anything he could think of.

“I’m gonna come inside you, Gene.” Snafu moaned out.

“Fuck,” Gene gasped, continuing to match his strokes on his own cock to Shelton’s hips. He came unexpectedly and his vision tunneled. Everything went black, and all he could feel was the pure electricity running through his bloodstream. His heartbeat took over all his other senses. His hand stilled on himself. He shook hands with death. And then as his spasms slowed his vision slowly came back.

Snafu looked like a deity to Gene. Coated in sweat, panting, working through his own orgasm. His hands dug sharply into Gene’s hips, most likely leaving bruises. As Snafu’s breathing slowed, he gently laid down on top of Gene. Kissing him when he finally got close enough. Gene kissed back like his life depended on it. They both took their time. Calming down, quieting their breathing. Kissing every few moments. Snafu ran his hands through Gene’s hair and laid his head down on his chest. Massaging his head gently.

“Was that good?” Snafu asked.

“Don’t fish for compliments.” Gene responded. Snafu laughed. “I’m serious. Didn’t hurt you? You okay?” Gene moved, wiggled his hips slightly, “I dunno, might be paralyzed, but it was worth it.” Snafu laughed.

“Dear Mr. and Mrs. Sledge, sorry I fucked your son so good he’s now bound to a wheelchair. I’ll pay the medical expenses. Love, Merriell Shelton.” Gene answered with a laugh. “You’ll have to write another letter after that one. “Dear Mr. Sledge, sorry I killed Mrs. Sledge with my previous letter. All the best, SNAFU.” Snafu and Gene laughed. Snafu kissed Gene’s chest and then moved to pull out. Gene could feel warm liquid slide down his ass cheeks as Snafu pulled out, “That’s absolutely obscene?” He said suddenly. Snafu looked up questioningly. “Huh?”

“Nobody tells you that happens. That was……Ugh.” Snafu was laughing. You better pay a real good tip to those nice cleaners. Gene was horrified, “Burn the sheets. We’re leaving.” Snafu chuckled. He went to the bathroom to wash up. Stole Gene’s toothbrush, peeking his head out of the bathroom to ensure Gene saw. Toothpaste at the corners of his mouth. Gene smiled, rolled his eyes in jest. Gene went as soon as Snafu returned. By the time he came back, Snafu had at least laid different sheets down.

“To answer your earlier question, I’d like to be. Dating, that is.” Snafu said. “I’ll buy you flowers or something to seal the deal.”

“You’re a shit. I don’t want flowers. But I do want you to—you know, be my boyfriend. I want that.” Gene responded. Snafu kissed him. “You’re having a lot of firsts today. Anything else you wanna try?”

“All kinds of stuff. I’ll make a list.” Gene laid down. Head light. Snafu slid over next to him and wrapped an arm around Gene. Gene laid his head on Snafu’s chest and closed his eyes. “I love you, Merriell,” he whispered. But he was asleep before he heard whether Snafu responded.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gene and Snafu eventually arrive at Snafu's house. 
> 
> I don't know if it's a good or a bad thing that I have to keep editing the tags to provide warnings about the smut I can't stop writing.
> 
> Dedicated to: Stolzerpunge who is quite obviously one of my favourite people on this planet. Also, she's the one who mentioned rubbing the bridge of Gene's nose and I give full credit to her for that beautiful sentiment.

Gene woke abruptly, disoriented. He sat up and tried to force his eyes to adjust to the darkness but closed them again when it wasn’t working. There was a weight beside him. A heat, like a human body. He was going to get killed if he couldn’t see. He snapped his eyes open, willed himself to see. His gaze immediately landed on Shelton, sleeping with his mouth slightly ajar. Gene breathed out slowly and tried to calm down. He just kept staring at Shelton. Coaxing himself into the present. He was in New Orleans, with Snafu. With his boyfriend. Gene continued to stare, breathing deeply, until a smile spread on his face. He’d lost his virginity last night. To this man. He’d never felt so sure about anything in his life.

Gene gradually shifted one leg out from under the covers and then the other. He winced; he was sore from being stretched open last night. He tried his best not to wake Snafu as he moved to sit on the edge of the bed, and then stood up. The bed creaked, and Gene turned to ensure Snafu was still asleep. He hadn’t even stirred. Gene walked to the bathroom and relieved himself, then quietly got dressed. Afterwards, he found the pen and paper he’d purchased the day prior. It felt like he’d went shopping a week ago. Time had a way of warping when he was around Snafu. Gene moved to the desk that was situated in a corner of the room and lit the lamp. He glanced over at Snafu, but again, the other man didn’t stir. Gene grabbed a sheet of paper and began to write.

“Dear Greaser,”

Gene smiled. His nickname for Sid.

“I haven’t been gone more than a week or two by the time this letter reaches you, but I wanted to let you know I arrived safely. The journey was long, but nothing compared to the trip through Japan. Louisiana is just like Alabama in a lot of ways. It’s hot. The same sultry fog that hangs in the air here must stretch all the way to Alabama. But different too. There’s lots of lights, sounds, and people. And French! It’s quite a sight. Maybe someday you’ll visit and see what I mean. I hope you’re doing well. I wanted to apologize for barging in on you and Mary like that. And to thank you for taking me to the station. And for the money. I’m tracking what I owe you, and I won’t take no for an answer. But most of all, I wanted to thank you for making sure I got on that train. I found who I was looking for. Things are difficult. Different. But they’re also exciting. So much has happened already. I wish I could share it with you. But perhaps a letter is not the best place for it. I hope to sit down with you someday and tell you everything. I hope-“

Gene hesitated. He had to be careful about what he put in writing. He wasn’t sure he should, or even could, tell Sid the truth about what he was. About what he was doing. Shame washed over him like a warm breeze. He wondered if he should just throw the letter away. Maybe he could never return home now. He wouldn’t be able to bare the rejection from Sid. But he didn’t want to run away. He wasn’t a coward. He wanted to bring Merriell home with him one day. Introduce him to his parents. To Sid. To Ed. Maybe none of them would understand at first, but they loved Gene. They’d want what was best for him. If God could bring him and Snafu together, then maybe there was something to it. Maybe there was a piece of God in all this.

‘ _So God created humankind in his image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them_ ,’ the bible said time-and-time again.

God had created Gene. Why would he create him if he couldn’t accept him? Gene memorized the scriptures that brought him comfort during his frenzied search for God’s acceptance.

‘ _So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate_ ,’ Matthew 19:5, ‘ _Jonathan became one in spirit with David, and he loved him as himself_ ,’ Samuel 18:1, ‘ _David says of Jonathan: “Your love for me was wonderful, more wonderful than that of women_ ,’ Samuel 1:26.

Gene tenderly tucked these words away. Like precious letters written by someone he had loved and lost. He held them deep in his heart. Buried somewhere. Unable to look at them. But he was ready to take the letters out. Ready to tattoo the words on his skin. If God could accept him, so could his family.

He pressed his pen back to the paper.

“I hope someday when I tell you everything, that you’ll understand. All the best, Gene.” He finished. He moved the paper aside and grabbed another.

‘Dear mom and dad,

I’m sorry I left so abruptly. I hope Sid was able to reach you before you realized I was gone. I don’t ever mean to worry you. I don’t ever mean to cause so many problems. I just need time. I’m in Louisiana now, and I’m feeling hopeful. I think you both know being home was difficult for me. I hope when I return, we can start over. That I can explain everything to you. That you’ll understand,” he found himself writing for the second time. He prayed they’d understand.

If they could feel what Gene felt for Snafu they’d never question his intentions. His state of mind. It was purer than his love for God. Before the war he’d never dream of saying something like that. But he’d changed. God’s role in his life had changed. He had to believe his family could drastically change too. He knew his mother didn’t understand homosexuality. Could tell by the way she talked about men and women. How she always mentioned weddings and grandchildren. How she hoped both Ed and Gene would have lots. Have great wives. As if neither of them could ever want something different. ‘Learn to clean up after yourself now, or your future wife will resent you,’ his mother would say.

Gene just ignored her. His dad would defend them both. “Mary Frank, leave the boys alone. Don’t rush them to grow up, or you’ll be sorry you did.” His dad was always protecting him. He wondered if his dad could sense Gene was different. Wrong inside. His mom would question why Gene wasn’t out chasing girls like Ed was. And Gene would tell her he wanted to wait for the right one. But he wondered if his father caught the lies as they left his lips. If he knew, but never dared to ask.

“I don’t know when I’ll be home,” Gene continued writing. “But I’ll give notice before I do. I love you both. Love, Gene.”

“Whatchya doin’?” Snafu mumbled; voice wrecked with sleep. Gene jumped and banged his knees on the table.

“Jesus Christ, Merriell,” Gene rubbed his knee. Snafu was laughing. “I was writing.”

“You don’t say?” He replied sardonically. He stretched, stood up, and walked over to Gene, still naked as the day he was born. Then bent and kissed him. Lingering, pressing down on his mouth passionately. Gene melted into it. Just as suddenly as it had begun, Snafu broke it and straightened. “You writin’ to all your friends about how good last night was? Make sure you tell ‘em how big I am.”

Gene laughed, but his smile faded. Drifted into a frown. He wanted so badly to bring Merriell home to Mobile. He wanted Merriell to have Gene’s mother and father as his own parents. He wanted his mom and dad to be happy for him. He wanted them to shake Merriell’s hand, hug him, and welcome him as their son. He wanted Sid to accept him. For them to all go fishing together. He wanted so much.

“What’s goin’ on in that pretty head of yours?” Snafu asked, cautiously bringing his index finger to rub down the bridge of Gene’s nose.

Gene stared blankly ahead as he pondered what question he most needed to ask. “Would you ever come home with me to Mobile?”

Now it was Snafu’s turn to stare blankly. Thinking. He stopped rubbing the length of Gene’s nose. “I’d do it -- for you, but--“ Snafu looked up at the ceiling, contemplating his next words, “It’s dangerous. People don’t take too kindly to what we’re doin’. The world just ain’t like that.” Snafu was watching for Gene’s reaction.

Gene gradually nodded. He was a fool. He was the same fool he’d been before the war. It lit his blood on fire. How could he be so naïve. To think he could just bring Snafu home and parade him around. That everyone would throw a party in Gene’s honor. For finally finding love. For finding peace. He was a damn idiot for thinking everyone would understand. That God was on his side. It wasn’t fair. Why did it matter if he loved a man or a woman? It was love. That should be all that mattered to anyone. Gene sorted both pages he’d written on. Aligned them neatly, then picked them up and promptly tore them in half.

“Eugene,” Snafu tried to still his hands. “What’re you doin’?”

Gene shook off Snafu’s attempt to stop him. He continued to tear the pages until they were just scraps. He dropped the pieces from the air and let them float down, scattered across the table. Just like how he felt inside. He was so stupid. He realized he was crying when one of his tears fell from the tip of his nose and dampened the pile. He was pathetic.

“Eugene….” Snafu tried again. “I didn’t mean to ups-“

“You’re right,” Gene said abruptly. “I wasn’t thinking clearly. They wouldn’t understand. They couldn’t even understand who I was when I arrived home. Why would this be any different?” Gene wiped his face angrily. He was such a child.

“I love you,” Snafu whispered. Gene looked at him. The silence stretched. “I can’t stop saying the wrong thing,” Snafu finally added after the silence became uncomfortable.

“That’s not the wrong thing.” Gene responded. “You mean it?” He felt a bit desperate. The only thing he understood anymore was his love for Snafu. Nothing else in this whole fucked up world made any sense to him.

“More than anything.” Snafu tilted Gene’s face and leaned down to kiss him. Affectionately. Carefully. Like he was made of glass. He was such a fragile thing. He couldn’t stop fuckin’ crying.

“I love you too,” Gene choked on a sob. He tried to smother his tears out by grinding the palm of his hands into his eyes.

“Fuck, Gene, you’re killin’ me. It’s okay. It’s gonna be okay. You and me, we’re gonna be just fine. We don’t even have to stay here. I don’t even fuckin’ like it here. We could pick another state. Go to California. Another country. The fucking wilderness. In some backwards ass country that speaks a language neither of us understands. I don’t know or give a shit. Just please, please stop bein’ so sad. I can’t stand it,”

Gene looked up at Snafu. Gene could see the desperation in his eyes. They were so expressive, even when he didn’t want them to be. “It’s not fuckin’ fair,” Gene said.

“Nothin’s fair, buttercup. That’s life.” Snafu responded. For some reason that angered Gene. He knew life wasn’t fair. He didn’t need to be babied. He’d been through the same war Snafu had. Gene had hardened. One night of bliss wasn’t enough to bring back the boy he’d been. That part of him was dead. He’d made sure of it. His good side only ever got him hurt. It continued to get him hurt.

“I’m not a child,” Gene stood up, bumping Snafu out of the way.

Snafu grabbed his bicep. “I wasn’t saying you were. Don’t be unreasonable.”

Now Gene was pissed. “Fuck you, Merriell.” He pulled his arm out of Snafu’s grasp and headed for the bathroom.

“Gene, for fuck’s sake I’m tryin’a help you.” Snafu followed him.

“Yeah, a lot of good that ever fuckin’ did.” Snafu stopped walking. Gene turned, regretting what he said immediately. Snafu had saved his life. Countless times. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, that was shitty. I didn’t mean it.”

Snafu didn’t move. He looked angry. Gene went to grab for him, but Snafu turned around and walked away.

“Merriell…Snafu, stop. Stop!” Gene followed him back to the bed where Snafu threw himself down on his back. Snafu grabbed his cigarettes, put one between his lips, and lit it. Gene grabbed it out of his mouth.

“Can I just have one second without you fuckin’ ruinin’ it with your boo-hoo’in bullshit?” Snafu grabbed his cigarette back. Dragged on it and blew the smoke out angrily. As if he couldn’t even enjoy it. It wafted in Gene’s direction.

That was fair. Gene tried to breathe deeply to calm himself. Inhaling smoke as he did so. Gene had sstuck the knife in first, he reminded himself. “Okay,” Gene responded. “I’ll take me and my,” Gene used two fingers in a show of quotation, “boo-hoo-in bullshit” Gene dropped his hands, “And give you some space.”

Snafu stared numbly. Still angry. Gene could see it radiating off him.

“S’fine by me.” Snafu responded curtly.

Gene had never argued with someone while they were naked before. He’d have to remember to write that down as another first. He’d have laughed if he wasn’t afraid it would set Snafu off like a mortar. Snafu’s words had bitten him, but Gene imagined the wound he’d inflicted on Snafu was larger. During the war, Snafu put every ounce of his own sanity into trying to maintain Gene’s. Gene had just crushed it with his boot like a discarded cigarette. Gene bathed, brushed his teeth, shaved, lingered. Analyzed and re-analyzed the entire conversation he’d had with Snafu. Gene wondered the fuck was wrong with him. Snafu was just trying to help. He’d tried to console him. Snafu had mentioned he was always fucking up his own life. Maybe he and Snafu weren’t so different after all. As Gene sat on the bathroom floor, wrapped in a towel, torturing himself about every word and action, there was a knock at the door.

“You dead in there?” Snafu called.

“Would you like me to be?” Gene called back. Snafu opened the door and stared. As he was prone to doing.

“I didn’t kill my own self every day tryin’a save your sorry ass so you could come home and die in a bathroom.” Snafu retorted.

“I’m sorry for what I said. I didn’t mean a lick of it.” Gene stood up and took a step towards Snafu. In return, Snafu took a step towards him. Meeting in the middle.

“Surprisingly enough, I’ve been known to say some shitty things when I’m mad too.” Snafu kissed Gene. It was quick, but it was both a formal apology and an acceptance of Gene’s apology. Snafu moved to the bath and cranked the water. “We gotta be out of here in 20 minutes. Bus leaves at 1300. Figured we’d get food and head there.”

Gene had been so focused on the future he’d forgotten about going to Snafu’s house. While Snafu bathed and dressed back into the same clothes from the day prior, Gene gathered all his belongings. He had everything by the door in record time. It was just another of many skills he’d learned in the marine corps. When someone said, ‘pack your shit we’re moving,’ you packed your shit and moved. He was smoking one of Snafu’s cigarettes when Shelton emerged from the bathroom. He strutted right over to Gene, stole the cigarette out of his hand, and said, “Thanks, babe, you shouldn’t have.” Snafu went to the door and unlatched it, then grabbed several of Gene’s bags.

“You’re such a shit, you know that?” Gene joined in grabbing the bags, then opened the door for Snafu.

“You love it,” Snafu countered.

As they emerged from the room, they locked eyes with the couple who’d stayed in the room directly to the right of theirs. It was just Gene’s luck they had decided to check out at the same time. The woman stopped and stared at them, mouth agape. Gene felt panic rise in his stomach. How much had they heard last night? The couple just continued staring. Then, in true Snafu fashion, he said, “What the fuck’re you lookin’ at? Buncha weirdos.” And walked down the hallway with his cigarette between his lips.

Gene laughed, tried to cover it up, mouthed an ‘I’m sorry’ at them, and then hastily followed Snafu. When Gene caught up to Snafu, he whispered, “They know, don’t they?” Snafu shrugged.

“Who gives a shit?” He repositioned a bag on his arm.

Gene watched him. If anyone else looked at Snafu they’d think he sincerely didn’t give a shit, but Gene wasn’t anyone else. He’d spent so much time watching Snafu as he tried to protect himself from the horrors of war. His jaw clenched; his eyes concerned. He rubbed at the collar of his shirt. Snafu was as worried as Gene was, he was just better at concealing it. If they checked out before the other couple caught up, Gene could at least ensure they wouldn’t know his full name. He picked up the pace, determined to avoid any future backlash. Snafu matched him. Gene managed to check out without incident. The couple had just approached when Gene and Snafu were heading out the door.

Once they were out in the daylight, Snafu darted right towards the bus station. They found a diner on the way, and stopped in. They dropped the bags, both wearing matching red rings around their arms from the weight. They both ordered food as soon as their waiter was available. Gene was starting to feel excited about heading to Snafu’s house. He never dreamed he’d find Snafu, let alone live with him. Live…with his boyfriend. Just ‘his boyfriend’ was enough to make him exhilarated. He remembered what he’d said to Snafu earlier. 

“I’m sorry, about earlier. I got defensive, and it wasn’t fair.” Gene wished he could reach out and grab Snafu’s hand.

Snafu looked up suddenly, surprised. He’d been staring down at the table in thought. “You don’t gotta torture yourself about it. We already apologized.”

“I know, but I don’t want you to think I’m gonna to make a habit out of it.” Gene didn’t want to give him a reason to walk away. Snafu had already successfully moved on once.

“I didn’t think you would, Gene. It’s not a big deal.” Snafu continued to look confused.

Gene sighed. He and Snafu were going to have to work on their communication. Gene tended to let things linger. To itch at his skin until he couldn’t help digging at them. He liked to visit and revisit conversations, thoughts, and actions. Snafu only appeared to think on things for the length the conflict lasted. He wasn’t sure who was right in this situation, but assumed it was probably neither of them.

Their food came, and it quieted them both again. They resumed watching each other. Before he met Snafu, Gene would’ve felt self-conscious having someone watch him while he ate, but he was so used to Shelton watching him he hardly cared.

“What do you do for fun around here? Or did you, I guess.”

“Gambling,” Snafu answered, “Won’t do it anymore though.” Gene wanted to tread carefully. He didn’t want another discussion like the one they’d endured the last time they ate a meal together.

“You get sick of it?” Gene tried.

“The opposite, I’d gamble the pants right off you if I could.” Snafu looked around at the other customers. Probably trying to determine whether anyone was listening to them.

“Always trying to get my pants off,” Gene mumbled under his breath.

Snafu grinned. “Whata’bout you? What’d a sweet, handsome, southern boy like you do back home?”

It donned on Gene he and Snafu had never really talked about their interests. Small talk was almost inconceivable during the war. For a moment, he worried whether he and Snafu would realize they weren’t compatible. He tried to tuck it away, focus on the conversation. “Reading, writing,” Gene felt a sadness tugging at his heart, “I used to hunt with my dad, but…..I’d take Deacon, my dog, out for walks…” He faded. There was so much he took for granted. And now it was gone.

Snafu tried to reel him back in, “Writing what? Like journaling?”

Gene picked at his food. Snafu grabbed a piece of Gene’s toast, took a bite out of it, then threw it down on his plate. Gene glared, grabbed it, and shoved the whole piece in his mouth. “S’mine,” He said around his mouth full of toast.

“Your parents never taught you how to share? Boy, I’m gonna write them a letter. Ask them why they never taught their son any manners.” Snafu gently kicked at Gene’s foot under the table.

Gene threw a balled-up napkin at him. The women at the table next to them glared.

Gene tried to maintain Snafu’s attention before he told the women to ‘mind your own fuckin’ business.’ “Sometimes I’d journal. Sometimes I’d just write stories.” Gene could feel himself blushing. He didn’t know why he felt embarrassed.

“Oh yeah?” Snafu seemed pleasantly surprised, “Can I read it?”

“Well, I mean, I didn’t exactly bring it with me as a gift.” Gene finished his last few bites of food. They’d need to leave promptly if they hoped to catch the bus.

“I know that, ya pain in the ass. I meant when I go home with you.” Snafu said.

Gene looked at him. They’d already decided that was a terrible idea. Snafu grabbed the check while Gene was still mentally exploring what Snafu had insinuated. Snafu paid, and then grabbed his share of Gene’s bags. Gene was still staring.

“Come on, we can philosophize later. Let’s go.” Snafu delicately kicked at Gene’s chair until he stood up and grabbed his bags.

“We’re gonna talk more about this later,” Gene said.

“You got it, dreamboat. Let’s go, please.” Snafu was already walking away. Gene laughed softly and followed him.

They boarded the bus, sat down, and waited for the bus conductor to pass. Gene hurriedly paid for the tickets before Snafu could. Once the bus conductor left them with their stubs, Snafu shoved at Gene. “I was gonna get that.”

“You’ve paid for everything so far! I’m not a freeloader.” Gene reasoned.

“You not interested in a sugar daddy then?” Snafu said, his smile wide and mischievous. Gene quickly glanced around to make sure no one heard, then laughed and shoved Snafu back.

“I already have a daddy I don’t need another one.” He whispered. He couldn’t hide his grin.

“We’ll see ‘bout that. A couple more nights like last night you might be changin’ your mind.” Snafu’s grin managed to widen.

“Shhhh, shut up,” Gene was laughing though, “You’re a scoundrel.”

Snafu, still grinning, reached underneath the bags they’d set between them and grabbed Gene’s hand. He squeezed. Gene smiled fondly and squeezed back. Gene wanted so badly to tell Merriell that he loved him, but they’d taken enough risks for one day. The rest of the trip passed in silence. It wasn’t long before they’d reached their stop. Snafu untangled their hands and grabbed his share of the bags. Gene followed suit. They stepped off the bus and out into Jackson. It was a quaint little town. A couple churches stood within view. Gene wondered if Merriell had ever attended them with his family. Gene tried to imagine Shelton growing up in this town.

“We gotta catch another bus, I live out in the sticks.” Snafu said.

“Ugh,” Gene looked heavenward, “Of course you do. One of us is getting a license as soon as possible.”

“I’m workin’ on it. I’m tryi’na save up money for it first.” Snafu drawled.

Another bus ride completed, and they were very much ‘in the sticks.’ They stepped off the bus and onto a long dirt driveway. They were surrounded by highway and trees. When Gene imagined Snafu growing up, he always imagined him in the city. Gene wasn’t sure why. It surprised him to know Snafu had grown up so isolated from the rest of the world. It strengthened Gene’s remorse for Shelton’s parents being gone. Maybe Snafu really didn’t have anyone else now. He followed Snafu up the driveway until a two-story brick house came into view. There was an old beat up barn off to the left. The front porch looked a bit weathered as well. When Gene started ascending the stairs they creaked awfully. He winced.

“The good news is no one’s gonna sneak up on us here.” Snafu joked. Gene laughed, and waited as Snafu unlocked the door and let Gene in. Gene stepped inside and was surprised by the bare walls. Anyone could’ve lived in this house. There was nothing tying Snafu to it. Gene thought of his own home, with family pictures everywhere you glanced. Or at least decorations and paintings strewn about. Even Gene’s bedroom had more pictures than the several rooms Gene could glance from where he was standing. His house in Mobile was lived in. Lively. Loving. This house was home to no one. Gene’s sadness for Snafu grew.

Snafu rubbed at his collar, “You wishin’ we was back at the hotel instead?” He asked. He tried to sound playful.

Gene turned to look at Snafu. His sadness spread until he couldn’t stand it anymore. Gene dropped his bags and threw his arms around Snafu, causing Snafu’s bags to drop as well. Gene hugged him, hard. Snafu must’ve been surprised because it took him several moments to reciprocate. Gene kissed him, hard. Tangling his fingers in Snafu’s curls. Gene tried to pour every ounce of love that he held for Merriell into this kiss. Tried to fill him up with it. Snafu moaned. Gene pulled Snafu along with him until he could sit him down in one of the kitchen chairs. Gene hit his knees and started unbuttoning Snafu’s pants.

“Jesus christ, Eugene.” Snafu chuckled. “I was gonna show you around first before we christened the place.”

Gene smiled and pulled Snafu’s pants and shorts down as Snafu lifted his hips. Gene wasted no time taking Snafu in his mouth. Swirling his tongue over the head like he did the night before. Snafu groaned loudly, no reason for them to be chaste anymore. Gene tried not to overthink this. It was a blowjob for heaven’s sake, how could you mess that up? He flattened his cheeks and held his breath, pushing Snafu all the way to the back of his throat and holding him there. 1-2-3….Gene pulled off and let out the breath he’d been holding. Snafu fisted his hands in Gene’s hair and gently pushed Gene’s head back down. Gene sucked in air through his nose again and obliged. After Merriell held him in place for several seconds, he released his hold on Gene so he could come up for air. Gene blew the air back out of his nose. They repeated their dance together. Shelton steering Gene, Gene giving him whatever he asked for. Gene unbuttoned his pants, dragged them down with one hand, then took his own cock in his fist. Snafu’s eyes were instantly on Gene’s hand. Snafu released his hold on him and knocked Gene’s hand away. He leaned forward, spit into his palm, and wrapped it around Gene’s cock. Meanwhile, Gene maintained the pace Snafu had set for him before he’d released his hold on Gene’s hair.

“Gonna come, cher….You don’t gotta—” Gene moaned and released Snafu’s cock from his mouth until only the head remained between his lips. Gene wrapped his fist around the base. He resumed swirling his tongue. Snafu’s hand stilled on Gene’s cock as he got lost in the feeling of his own orgasm building. He was moaning loudly. Gene matched Snafu’s moans, spurring him on. Eventually, Gene felt heat hit his tongue and he swallowed. Took everything Snafu had to give him. Continued swirling his tongue until Snafu twitched from being overstimulated. Gene released him and sat back on his feet with his knees bent. Snafu sat there breathing deeply, then wiped his face and propelled himself out of the chair and onto the floor with Gene. It was no easy task when Snafu’s pants were still around his thighs. Gene chuckled and laid on his back.

“Wanna try something,” Snafu mumbled and tugged Gene’s own pants and shorts down his thighs. Then Snafu shoved at Gene until he rolled over. Gene stared at the front door, waiting for whatever Snafu had planned. Snafu took his own shirt off and laid it under Gene’s hips. Then Gene felt the first kiss on his left ass cheek. Gene stilled. Snafu continued pressing sloppy kisses to him. “You gotta learn to relax, Eugene. I’m not gonna hurt you. Would never hurt you,” he blew air where he had just planted a particularly wet kiss, then licked over it.

Gene panted, “Not worried you’re gonna hurt me. Worried I’m gonna make the most embarrassing noise you ever heard.”

Snafu snickered, “I like ‘em. They’re hot.” He spread Gene open and proceeded to fuck Gene with his tongue. Gene did, in fact, make a horribly embarrassing noise. And a loud one. “S’right, sweetheart, tell me all about how it feels.”

Gene was rolling his hips to meet Snafu’s tongue. Gene couldn’t talk, even if Snafu had begged him to. He just kept making loud whimpering noises. Snafu snaked a hand around and grabbed Gene’s cock. Gene came embarrassingly fast, still rolling his hips. Snafu maintained his hold on Gene’s cock until it softened. He kissed his way up Gene’s back, lifting Gene’s shirt as he went. Once Gene finally calmed down, he was once again struck by the act he’d done in front of God. He was going to have to do a hell of a lot of praying to make up for any of this. He laughed to himself.

“Whatchya laughin’ at now?” Snafu asked him. Rubbing his back.

“Us. I was a virgin not even 24 hours ago. Now I’m lying on the floor about three steps into your house with my pants around my thighs, come on your shirt, and we just did the most unspeakable thing I’ve ever heard of in my life.” Gene rubbed his forehead back and forth on his folded arms, shaking his head in disbelief.

Snafu slapped Gene’s ass with a satisfyingly loud smack then got up on his knees. Snafu yanked his pants back up and buttoned them. “We’re really cookin’ with gas now, Genie. It’s only gonna get better from here.”

Gene chuckled, “I’m gonna be dead before long. Might as well start digging a hole for me in the backyard.” Gene sat up and pulled his own pants and shorts up as he went. “You gonna give me that tour now?”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Gene was once again a fool. Snafu had given so much during the war. Softened around the edges. Always trying to reach out and offer Gene comfort in his own confusing ways. Gene thought Snafu was patronizing him rather than loving him."
> 
> Here there be great insights, but also idiocy. 
> 
> Trigger warning: slur.

The rest of the house was identical to the rooms Gene had already seen. Barren, no sign of a loving life anywhere. Gene could visualize where pictures used to be hung. The empty spots now illuminated in contrast to the sunlight burned wallpaper around them. He wondered who’d removed the pictures, and if this was how Shelton learned to bury his emotions. To move on with his life when others never could’ve managed. Snafu just concealed it, and every reminder of it, until it never happened. Gene wished he possessed that skill. It would’ve been a relief to tuck every memory of the war away. Up on the highest shelf, so the memories could only be retrieved with a ladder. Gene lived his horrors every day. Like a cloak, they clung to his shoulders and left him feeling overheated.

“This is my room,” Snafu motioned for Gene to step inside the doorway. Gene had been carrying all his bags again. He carefully set them down in a corner of the room. He then turned and looked around. Greedily taking in every inch of his surroundings. Hoping for a sign of who Snafu had been before the war. He spotted a bookshelf, but the shelves mostly contained manuals or catalogs. How to fix cars, appliances, home improvement, the best cars, or guns. Gene grabbed a copy of, ‘Motor Repair and Overhauling,’ by ‘Newnes’ and flipped through it. Snafu came up beside him, eyes cast sideways. Watching Gene, trying to read him.

“Did-“ Gene hesitated, “Did you remove all the pictures, or did someone else?” Gene wasn’t sure whether he’d reached his quota on touchy subjects.

“What would I need ‘em for?” Snafu sounded confused. As if memories meant nothing. As if once someone was gone, they disappeared forever. As if it was just your duty to get rid of the final pieces of who someone had been, and what they’d meant to you. Gene pondered if he’d given Snafu a physical gift during the war if Snafu would’ve simply left that on the train too. Set it down neatly on Gene’s lap, so it would become Gene’s sole burden forever. Gene couldn’t help but feel maddened by Snafu’s ability to rid himself of sentimentality.

“You don’t care at all? It doesn’t bother you to be here? In all of this?” Gene could hear the tension in his voice as he gestured to the room. How could Snafu stand it? Gene’s mind was fracturing in his own home, and there was nothing but love surrounding him every day.

“Just because you think I should be wallowing in sadness doesn’t mean that’s how things gotta be. People are different, Gene.”

“It’s not normal.” Gene retorted.

“When the fuck ‘ave I ever been normal?” Snafu laughed, then sobered. “Why’s it so damn important to you that I can’t stand it here? Or that I can’t move on?” Snafu crossed his arms. Gene was stepping too far into territory he didn’t belong. Baiting the dog to bite him.

“If one morning I just disappeared and went back to Mobile, would you throw everything I left behind in the trash? Or would you follow me?” Gene mimed Snafu and crossed his arms as well. He could block himself off too, he thought.

“Why would’ya just leave and go back to Mobile? I wouldn’t follow you. Obviously, you didn’t want to be here in the first place then. Or with me. Chasin’ you wouldn’t fix that.” Snafu’s face contorted in confusion for the second time that day. Perhaps the fourth time since they’d reunited. As if Gene had asked Snafu if pigs could ever be a valid method of long-distance transportation.

“Jesus christ, Merriell.” Gene threw his hands up, “You’re fuckin’ insufferable sometimes.”

“Why are you pickin’ fights with me ‘cause there aren’t pictures on the wall? Or for some nonsense scenario where you leave to prove some kinda point?” Snafu grabbed Gene’s shoulders, forcing Gene to look into his eyes. “What’s your problem?”

“You’re my problem, Shelton. Do you have any feelings at all? Are you just fuckin’ empty in there?” Gene poked his finger at Snafu’s chest, then his head. Gene knew he was being an asshole. He was letting his insecurity get the best of him, and it was ugly. But he couldn’t stop. Snafu could walk right out of Gene’s life at any moment, and Gene would be inconsolable. Meanwhile, Snafu would just shrug, go to work, then return home for a nice dinner. “You’re just gonna leave me again when it suits you. When you feel like being done with this. And you’re never gonna look back, wonder if you fucked up, or what could’ve been. I don’t fuckin’ get you. I thought I did, but I don’t.” Gene’s voice was elevated beyond a necessary level. It felt as though the anger inside of him was overwhelming. Growing until it tore at his seams and split him open. He had so much of it, and no idea what to do with it now that the war was over. Snafu just stared blankly back at Gene, huffed a sigh, then started to walk out of the room. Gene grabbed his arm, “Don’t fucking walking away from me when I’m talking to you.”

Snafu whirled on his heels to face Gene again, easily removing his arm from Gene’s grip, “Do you just carry around the collar of that dog you lost? Hang it on your fuckin’ wall and cry about it every night? You do what you gotta do, Eugene. You grieve, and you fuckin’ move on. And no one can tell you if you’re doing it right or wrong because it’s yours to deal with. You, of all fuckin’ people, with your big fuckin’ brain, and all your feelings should get that.” Snafu was speaking so calmly it was almost unnerving. His eyes were intense. Emotionally resonating all the words he held close to his chest. Gene would’ve been afraid of Snafu if he’d been anyone else, or if Gene had still been his old self. If he hadn’t already lived with Snafu through their worst. Screamed at him in the middle of a war. Snafu had taken his fingers and tapped them on Gene’s forehead when he’d chastised him about his ‘big fuckin’ brain.’ Gene could still feel the ghost of his fingers. Maybe Gene was fucking crazy. For all Gene’s overthinking, he hadn’t really thought about it like that. All he thought about was the neon warning signs telling him Snafu was going to leave him if Gene put his guard down.

“I won’t make it without you. And you’re so good at leaving,” Gene lowered his tone, “I can’t fucking stand it.”

Snafu abruptly grabbed Gene’s jaw. Snafu’s thumb and index finger shaped a ‘V’ on his chin. The hold was firm, but not bruising. The rest of Snafu’s fingers splayed against Gene’s neck at his pulse. Gene wondered if Snafu could feel his heart thumping. Beating with the desperation to keep Snafu here with him as Gene continued to do nothing but push him away.

“Eugene Sledge, you’re the one that’s fuckin’ infuriatin’…” Snafu trailed off. His accent thickened as his anger possessed him. “Putain de merde, Eugene, sors-toi la tête du cul. I’m not fuckin’ goin’ anywhere. You gotta let that shit go, or you’re gonna drive us both insane.”

Gene jerked his chin out of Snafu’s grasp, “I don’t know what you said, but I have a strong feeling I should be pissed about it.” Gene gazed into Snafu’s eyes. The spark of anger was replaced by determination. Gene knew Snafu was, in his own confusing way, trying to get Gene to understand what he meant, how he felt. Gene just didn’t feel like giving up so easily. Waking up on the train and realizing Snafu was gone haunted him. He knew he wasn’t so different from Snafu. They both took something they loved and knifed it repeatedly to protect themselves. Gene just couldn’t agree to disagree. Not if it meant making it easier for Snafu to tuck away what he did, and potentially do it again. Gene didn’t just hold a grudge, he nurtured it.

Snafu grabbed Gene’s chin again and softly shook Gene’s head back and forth, “Gonna shake some fuckin’ sense into you. I like how feisty you are, but would prefer if ya’ just kept it in the sex, hein? I can’t predict the future, and neither can you. So please, can we get through one fuckin’ day without fightin’ about it? You think I took you home with me so I could just leave and give you the house? I fuckin’ live here, Eugene. Where am I gonna go? You thinkin’ I’ll just leave in the middle of the night? Go sleep at the bus station for the rest of my life to avoid you?”

Gene couldn’t help but laugh. “It wouldn’t surprise me, honestly,”

Snafu sent his eyes heavenward and held them there. Praying to a God he didn’t believe in to give him the strength not to throw Gene out the window, Gene assumed. “I’m just scared,” Gene added. “I can’t love you the way I want to. I can’t take you home. I can’t hold your hand in public. I have no idea what I’m doing. And moreover, I worry you’re going to get sick of this. Sick of me. What’s going to stop you when you’ve already done it once?”

“Well you certainly ain’t makin’ me want to put a ring on your finger actin’ like an asshole all the time,” Snafu released Gene’s jaw. “Trust me. I’m your partner, not your enemy. You keep seein’ me as the enemy, you’re gonna get us both killed. Let’s start over. Fuckin’ forget before and be here now.”

“I can’t fuckin’ do that like you can,” Gene didn’t know how to make Snafu understand. Gene couldn’t pretend the past didn’t exist.

“What good is torturing yourself about it? You’re just gonna make it come true. You’re gonna wish your fears into reality, Eugene.” Gene had to admit he was pretty good at that. He wished so badly to go to war. Thought it would make him a man. Thought it would make him feel powerful. Instead, it crushed any possibility of ever knowing himself. War didn’t make you a man, or powerful. It stripped everything from you until you had nothing left. Like his father said. If Gene really thought about it, he was angry at Snafu for being able to decide and then not dwell on it. Snafu had decided to go to war. Decided to leave Gene on the train. Decided to forego searching for him. And he just kept going. Every decision Gene made weighed heavy on his heart and mind.

“You’re right,” Gene finally said.

“I know I’m fuckin’ right. I’m always right. Now put your shit away and let’s knock this bullshit off.” Snafu gestured to the dresser as he spoke. “Make sure ya’ mix your clothes up really good with mine so I can’t pack before I leave you forever tonight.”

Gene laughed, “Fuck you, Shelton. Can you please just say you’re sorry?”

“You know I’m sorry, I don’t feel like this is gonna fix anything. It’s a wa—” Snafu glanced at Gene’s face, which must’ve mirrored Gene’s growing agitation.

Snafu sighed. “Alright, I’m sorry. But listen here. You listenin’ good?” Snafu paused until Gene nodded his head in confirmation. “I won’t keep sayin’ it, Eugene. People make mistakes. You can’t hold it like a gun to my head. S’not fair.”

Gene grabbed Snafu’s hand and pulled him forward until their lips met. Gene gently put his hands on either side of Snafu’s face. After several long moments, he released Snafu and stepped back to look at him.

“You still love me?” Gene asked.

“Less, but yeah,” Snafu said then laughed when Gene scoffed and dropped his hands from Snafu’s face. “I do, Eugene, I love you. Now please fuckin’ relax. Just for one evening. One hour. Twenty minutes.”

Gene lifted one shoulder in a shrug, then turned and got to work throwing his clothes in with Snafu’s. As he opened a drawer and categorized the clothing within, Gene threw his clothes in to match. Shirts, pants, shorts, and socks. It felt oddly domestic. He imagined him and Snafu doing this forever. Laundry, cooking, cleaning…Then Gene realized he didn’t know how to do any of those things. He wondered how much burden he could place on Snafu before he threw Gene and his clothes outside. He guessed he would find out.

“I don’t know how to cook,” Gene blurted out.

Snafu raised an eyebrow and tried to hide his smirk. “Well that’s the final straw then, get the fuck out’ma house.”

“I’m serious, Merriell. I’m not much good at any of this.” Gene threw the last of his clothes in the last drawer then closed it.

Snafu approached and grabbed Gene’s hands. “Listen to me, Hey,” Snafu shook Gene’s hands until he focused on him, “Ma boule d’angoisse, je m’en sacre. I don’t give a shit. I didn’t ask you here so you could take care of me. I’ve been doing that just fine on my own.”

Gene reached up and slid his fingers through Snafu’s curls. “Well, you just estimate how long it’ll be until you’re sick of taking care of me because I might die if you don’t.” Gene meant it as a joke, but he knew there was truth in it.

Snafu slid his eyes closed as Gene gently massaged his scalp, taking his time raking his fingers through each curl, “Eugene, ma ‘tite jolie fleur, je vais m’occuper de toi, je te protégerai et t’aimerais toujours.. Pour toujours et à jamais. Okay?”

“I guess?” Gene responded, laughing. “You could be telling me to go fuck myself for all I know.”

“Something like that,” Snafu responded. “You ever had Pompano en Papillote?”

“Is that a sexual term?” Gene raised an eyebrow. Snafu laughed harder than Gene had expected. It was infectious, and Gene found himself laughing as well.

“Fuckin’ christ, Gene, it’s a dinner. Fish, Shrimp…”

Gene shrugged, Mobile Alabama wasn’t exactly known for its seafood, so Gene’s experience with it was limited to vacations.

Snafu patted the side of Gene’s face, then turned and walked away. “Well, you’re gonna try it then. Gonna make you a nice dinner as a thank you for such an excellent welcome home blowjob.”

Gene laughed, “So that’s it then? It’s settled? You’ll take care of me and I’ll pay you in blowjobs?”

Snafu stopped, twisted his slender torso to look at Gene, “I told you ‘bout that big fuckin’ beautiful brain of yours. You’re a fuckin’ genius. That’s absolutely the arrangement from now’on, I’ll draft up a contract later. Now that I’m your boss, you can get used to calling me Mr. Shelton.”

Gene was shaking his head. He playfully pushed at Snafu until Snafu had no choice but to turn back around. “Get out,” Gene pushed him out the door. Gene was fascinated by how he and Snafu could go from loving each other and joking around, to fighting just as intensely. It didn’t seem as if they were capable of regular emotions. For better or worse.

Gene grabbed his papers and pen out of one of the shopping bags and took them with him downstairs. He set them on the desk that was positioned in the corner of the living room. He could hear Snafu in the kitchen getting pots and pans out of the cupboards. Gene lingered in the living room. Sat on the couch to see what it felt like. Fluffed the pillows. Continued to imagine a young Merriell living here. Tried to imagine Merriell sitting on the couch with his father. Listening to the radio like Gene did with his father. Tried to imagine what Snafu’s parents must’ve looked like. He couldn’t figure out why it was so important to envision Snafu with his family. Perhaps Gene wanted to believe he and Snafu had similar childhoods. They were such different people. It concerned Gene how, now that the war was over, he and Snafu would realize how different they were. How this was never going to work. Eventually, Gene eased up off the couch and made his way into the kitchen. Snafu had his hands submerged in a bowl. Gene moved until he was behind Snafu, then wrapped his arms around Snafu’s middle. Snafu was so neatly slender Gene speculated whether he could wrap his arms around him twice. Snafu hummed in appreciation, eased back into Gene’s embrace for a moment, then resumed swirling shrimp in the water.

“If you want to eat sometime today, you’re gonna have to let me go,” Snafu teased.

Gene groaned in protest then released Snafu, moving instead to press his palm to Snafu’s back. Gene momentarily rubbed slow circles, then backed off. “I’m happy to be here with you. Even though, I’m doing a really terrible job at showing it.”

A smirk played at Snafu’s lips, “We started off great. We just gotta keep to that and we’ll be fine.” Snafu was ripping the tails off the shrimp as he talked, throwing the shells into a metal container. 

“I’d prefer it if we could get along even when we’re not having sex,” Gene’s mouth was a thin line, expressing his judgement and displeasure through his pursed lips. His ‘go to’ face when he didn’t much like what was going on.

Snafu laughed at him, “Calme-toi, ma boule d’angiosse. I’m just jokin’. We’ll be alright, don’t worry your pretty head.”

“What does that mean? Pool.. duh….” Gene tried to sound out what he’d heard but gave up. Snafu didn’t immediately answer, and instead decided to smirk awfully at him. So, Gene tried to grab for some shrimp to help with dinner. Snafu slapped his hand away. Gene immediately nursed his hand. Feigned shock. Earning another beautiful laugh out of Snafu. Gene had seen Snafu’s smile and heard his laugh during the war. Gene fondly recalled De L’eau’s ‘incident’ and smiled to himself at the memory. However, this was different. Snafu openly laughing for him felt like a secret. This was Snafu with his barricades down in his own home. Smiling and laughing just for Gene. He’d treasure it. The way Snafu opened his mouth to let his boisterous laugh erupt from his chest. Or when Snafu’s teeth remained at rest on his bottom lip as he chuckled. Gene hoarded every moment. Every feature.

“What the hell are ya’ laughin’ at now?” Snafu smiled at Gene as he dumped the water out of the bowl, holding the shrimp in place over the sink. Gene was momentarily mesmerized by Snafu’s hands. How he could fit his thick fingers neatly over the pile of shrimp. “Hello?” Snafu added. Gene, surprised, glanced up. He hadn’t realized he zoned out.

“De L’eau,” Gene answered. “Was thinking about Bloody Nose Ridge,” Gene smiled.

Snafu laughed in response. Gene was in love. He was so desperately in love. “Tell me what you said in French earlier. Don’t distract me.”

“You’re distractin’ yourself, I ain’t got nothin’ to do with it. Calme-toi is easy, it means calm down. Ma boule d’angoisse….” Snafu hesitated. Gene pursed his lips as he assumed the phrase meant something crude. “Worrywart,” Snafu finished. “Literally, it would mean ball of anguish,” Snafu glanced over at Gene.

“Do you think ill of me?” Gene finally asked.

“No, baby.” Snafu answered. It was so intimate Gene instantly looked away and blushed. “You like that, don’t’ya?” Snafu was grinning again. “You really like that, huh?”

“I don’t know,” Gene answered honestly. “It makes me feel like a child, but also there’s something about it. Can’t put my finger on it.”

“I know what it is, but I’ll wait for you to figure it out.” Snafu had moved on to chopping onions. He used his arm to wipe his eyes briefly before he continued cutting.

“Tell me,” Gene said. He was interested in Snafu’s thoughts on it. Especially since Gene felt too conflicted to pull the meaning out for himself.

“You’ve been pissed off at me enough the last two days.” Snafu said.

Gene tilted his head, “Out with it. I won’t get mad.”

“Famous last words, but alright. You like being babied. Maybe pampered is a better word.”

Gene scoffed immediately, and Snafu raised his eyes to look at Gene’s face. Paused his cutting, “Said you wouldn’t get mad. S’your own fault now. You don’t even know it, but you like it. Just let it be. Is what it is. No shame in it. I like pampering you.”

Gene’s brow furrowed. He thought about it. He liked it when Snafu watched over him. Protected him. But Gene would do the same for Snafu. Did Snafu like being called baby? Being pampered? Gene couldn’t imagine Snafu would know how to receive praise or pampering. Perhaps this was yet another difference between them. Gene was a pampered, privileged, and silver spoon-fed child. And Snafu was a hardened and self-made disadvantaged man. How were they ever going to make this work long-term?

“I can see your brain working. You know we ain’t gotta be the same person to love each other?” Snafu was placing fish filets in aluminum foil as he spoke. “That’s what makes it fun, you know? We can teach each other.” It was so sentimental Gene didn’t have a response. Snafu wouldn’t look at him, changed the subject abruptly. “My grandmother used to make this all the time.” Gene still didn’t have a response. He was so pleased to hear something about pre-war Snafu he just nodded. “I’d help. ‘Cause I was always getting’ in the middle of stuff. I had to be involved in everything. Imagine that, hein? Me bein’ a little busybody? Unheard of.” Gene was so afraid he’d ruin the moment. Afraid if he breathed too loudly, Snafu would stop talking. So, he held his breath. Praying for Snafu to keep going.

“So anyway,” Snafu threw an astronomical amount of butter in a saucepan, tossed in the onions, tested the milk’s smell before adding it, and, Jesus Christ, so much Cayenne pepper. Gene wanted to protest. He knew the spiciest food he ever tried was gumbo. Which he’d only had the chance to eat when his family ventured to the Gulf Shores during the summer. He didn’t want to shatter the moment, so he kept his lips sealed. 

“So, I’d help, and my grandmother would instruct me. I liked the distraction. You gotta be really focused when you cook. Can’t be lettin’ your mind run away from you. So, I learned to enjoy it as a distraction. S’nice.” Snafu finished. Gene was so pleased he could cry. Snafu enjoyed cooking, and Gene had no idea. Gene had no clue who this man really was. Any piece of information was fuel for Gene to piece together the puzzle that was Snafu. Gene nodded again. Refused to tarnish this moment with words. “You keep holdin’ your breath like that you’gonna pass out.” Snafu added.

Gene let out a whoosh of a breath and smiled. “Sorry--,” He couldn’t think of how to explain what this moment felt like. So, he just remained quiet. Snafu threw all the ingredients together in the aluminum foil, covered it, and threw it in the oven.

As soon as the oven door was closed, he grabbed Gene by the hips and backed him up until he was flush against the white cabinets. Snafu kissed Gene briefly, then wrapped his arms around him. Swinging Gene gently from side-to-side. Gene smiled against Snafu’s neck.

This was why he came all the way from Alabama. This right here. Snafu had given Gene just a little taste of who he’d been. Gene could tell it made Snafu uncomfortable as he was doing it. Shoulders stiff, avoiding eye contact. But he did it for Gene. He’d said they could be different and make it work. Gene’s heart grabbed onto that concept and hugged it tenderly. Gene was once again a fool. Snafu had given so much during the war. Softened around the edges. Always trying to reach out and offer Gene comfort in his own confusing ways. Gene thought Snafu was patronizing him rather than loving him. Snafu’s affection was so different from Gene’s own. Where Gene could speak for hours about how he felt and what he wanted, Snafu could listen carefully. Holding his intense gaze on you and making a silent promise to be right there with you. Snafu could surrender to tenderness by sliding up next to you and forcing words out of his mouth he otherwise would never say. Just for you. Only for you.

Gene again raked his fingers through Snafu’s curls. Gene’s eyes poured over Snafu’s features. The widened space between his eyebrows, his sharp sunken eyes, wider nose, the way his ears jutted forward accentuating his thin cheekbones, the curve to his jaw, his plump upper lip, the gentle dip in his chin. Gene loved him. Gene loved him so much he felt high. Gene started over again from Snafu’s curls down to his chin. His eyes eagerly documenting each detail. Snafu seemed to be doing the same to Gene. Then Snafu brusquely kissed him and left to check on the food.

“It can’t be done already?” Gene inquired.

Snafu smiled, “Only takes ten minutes.”

“We did not just stare at each other for ten minutes.” Gene hastily responded. To which, Snafu laughed at him. Intoxicating.

“Close, maybe eight.” Snafu said. Gene shook his head. They were both deranged.

Shortly thereafter, the food was finished. Gene pestered Snafu, asking him where all the cutlery, cups, and plates were so he could set the table. He could at least manage that much. Cups there, knives, forks, and spoons there. He was an honest to goodness housewife. Gene laughed to himself. Snafu eyed him from the kitchen. Gene brought the plates over to Snafu one by one then set them on the table after Snafu deposited food on them. Gene stood awkwardly, not sure what to next. Snafu entered the room and pulled out Gene’s chair for him. Gene bowed purposefully low, then sat.

“Just wanted a good look at your ass before dinner,” Snafu added, ensuring any romanticism died. Gene rolled his eyes, but he was smiling. He hesitated, preparing his taste buds for the first bite. Gene wondered if he’d blow steam out his mouth and ears.

“S’matter?” Snafu asked. He’d already started eating. Gene didn’t want Snafu to think he didn’t appreciate the meal, so he immediately took a bite.

It was good. It was so good. “Fuck,” Gene said, hand positioned in front of his mouth to cover it from view. “Jesus Christ.” Gene continued his slew of profanity. Snafu stared at him with a bemused expression.

“You have the same reaction to my cooking as our sex. I’ll take that as a high compliment.” Snafu said.

Gene laughed after he finished swallowing his bite. “Shit, Merriell, you’re a real chef.”

At the compliment, Snafu averted his gaze. But he held a private smile. Gene was unused to seeing Snafu as bashful. Gene intensely wanted to repeat it all the time as a result. Gene’s grin grew on his face, he had an idea. “So good, baby,” he said. Snafu’s blush was immediate. He tried to hide it by turning his head, but even against Snafu’s summer darkened complexion the reddened hue was unmistakable. Gene was thrilled. “Oh shit?” Gene said, proud of his accomplishment.

“Shut the fuck up,” Snafu immediately answered. The hue spread across Snafu’s face. Gene’s grin grew impossibly bigger.

“Baby….” Gene reached out and rubbed the back of his hand against Snafu’s cheek. Snafu tilted his head as if the touch burned him, smacking at Gene’s hand.

“Fuck off, I said,” Snafu tried to sound intimidating, but Gene’s smile was so wide his eyes were nearly closed. He took a triumphant bite of his food. Gene wasn’t going to let this go for nothing. He privately stored it away for later use. They resumed their usual silence as they ate. Settling into their rhythm. It was only evening two and they had a system. Snafu was right, they could teach each other quite easily. Gene felt hope. It was so rare for him. He cradled it. Feeling unashamed of his innocence for the first time in a while. Maybe, if he was dedicated, Gene could learn how to love himself as he simultaneously learned how to love Merriell. He adjusted his foot under the table until it rested against Snafu’s. Gene let the intimacy he felt for Snafu fill him. Turning it inward. This could work, he thought. This could be beautiful.

They finished dinner, and Gene stacked the plates and cutlery then took them into the kitchen. He set them in the sink, and immediately started cleaning up. Snafu passed by him several times as he grabbed cookware and set it on the counter beside the sink. Every time he passed, he kissed Gene on the cheek. Once the final item was set down, Snafu stood beside Gene. Leaning until Snafu was continuously kissing Gene’s cheek. Gene laughed and tried to shrug him off since both of his hands were in soapy water. Snafu continued kissing Gene’s cheek, ignoring him, then brought his hands up to Gene’s side and quickly used his fingertips to grip and tickle him. Gene shrieked, “Knock it off, you’re gonna make me break everything.” He squeaked out, shifting his hips away until he was leaning to keep his hands in the water. Snafu chuckled and kept tickling him. Gene was mewling, his knees buckled. “Please!” He all but screeched out.

Snafu laughed and kissed the junction between Gene’s neck and shoulder. Gene turned around, took his soapy wet hands, wiped them across Snafu’s shirt, kissed him, then returned to the dishes.

Snafu moved his tongue to the inside of his cheek. Then, nodded his head. Apparently agreeing to act on a decision he’d made mentally, he quickly dunked his hand in the water and smeared it across Gene’s face in one movement. “You…--” Gene glared as soap clung to the tip of his nose.

“You started it, mon chouchou. Don’t start what you can’t finish.” Snafu smacked Gene’s ass and left the room. Snafu went to the radio and turned it on, Blues promptly rang out through the house. Gene finished up the dishes, dried his face on the dish towel, then snapped the towel against Snafu’s ass and handed it to him.

“No idea what you do with laundry.” Snafu threw it on the floor. “Merriell!” Gene was laughing as he snatched it back up off the floor and handed it back to Snafu. Snafu laughed, disappeared briefly back into the kitchen. He returned towel-less, so Gene assumed the laundry must be built off the kitchen. He looked at Snafu expectantly, “So, where’s the laundry room?”

“It’s called the kitchen, and there’s a laundry sink in there. Dolly tub is in the pantry. You just hand wash it. We ain’t fancy ‘round here.” Snafu answered.

Gene felt embarrassed. He didn’t even fathom that possibility. His privilege seeped out in ways he’d never even considered. “Got it, sorry…darlin’.” Gene added the term of endearment, trying it out on his tongue.

It earned him a smile from Snafu. “S’okay. Don’t sweat it. I’m gonna have to quit my job so I can teach you a thing or two.” Gene also hadn’t even considered that Snafu was going to have to work. Not just to support himself, but to support Gene too. He felt like such a burden. He needed to get his shit together, and soon. Snafu must’ve noticed Gene’s smile dropped. “Don’t-- ah fuck, don’t overthink it. It was a joke. Stop right now,” Snafu gently tapped on Gene’s forehead, “You in there, hello, stop it.”

Gene laughed despite himself as Snafu continued tapping. He grabbed Snafu’s finger and held it.

“I need to get a job,” he said, matter of fact. “Or something.” Gene reasoned.

“First let’s just worry about not setting the house, or yourself, on fire while I’m gone. Don’t worry about it. I-“ Snafu stopped.

“What?” Gene immediately pressed him.

Snafu continued to stare blankly at him.

“What?” Gene insisted.

“I can get money. If we need. I got.. stuff tucked away.” Gene stared at Snafu, confused, then it hit him. Jap gold. Gene didn’t know whether he'd prefer Snafu make a profit off them, or continue to keep them as souvenirs. Both felt horrible. Wrong. Dehumanizing. Gene wanted to argue with Snafu about it, but the damage had already been done. From the moment Sledge watched Snafu cut the teeth out of the Jap’s mouth, it had been done. There was no use arguing now.

“Absolutely not. No. Never.” Gene said, sternly.

Snafu put his hands up in surrender, “I’m just telling you.”

“I wish you hadn’t.” Gene abruptly ended the conversation by walking towards the stairs.

Snafu shut the radio off, and quickly followed Gene. “Gene, hey, hey!” He grabbed Gene and manhandled him until he was staring at Snafu on the stairs. “You knew I had it. What did you expect?”

Gene didn’t know. Snafu was so gentle with him. So caring. He hated the mirage being washed away by those damn teeth. It was true, Gene already knew Snafu had done unspeakable things during the war. Snafu only had himself to blame for Gene even being mortified about it. Gene had been moments away from doing the exact same thing. He calmed down as he thought through his position on the topic. “I can’t believe the things we did.” Gene finished in a whisper.

“It’s done now. We’ll never be those people again.” Gene again wished he could throw away memories and feelings like Snafu could. Gene would always be the person he had been during the war. It was a part of him now. The only solace was Snafu had kept Gene from becoming unsavable. Unrepairable.

“Thank you.” Gene said. Snafu looked confused. “For saving me.” He finished.

Then Gene continued up the steps. Snafu stayed standing on the stairs, even as Gene went into Snafu’s room and grabbed his toothbrush and toothpaste. Gene wandered the hallway until he found the bathroom and ducked in. Snafu eventually joined him, and they washed up in silence. Both stripping out of most of their clothes. After Snafu finished brushing his teeth, he gently kissed Gene’s cheek again. So intimate.

Gene was again struck by the man he had known in Japan versus the man he grew to know in Peking. The man he was getting to know here in Louisiana. Gene needed to learn to let go of the war. Let go of Snafu, and remember it was Merriell Shelton he lived with. Snafu was a man who Shelton wished to bury. For Gene’s sake. So, for Merriell’s sake, Gene would to let Snafu die. Merriell had been right, it wasn’t fair for Gene to continue torturing Shelton for who he had been during the most awful time in his life. Gene imagined how he'd feel if Merriell did that to him. If he reminded Gene of every time Gene lost his temper at a boot. Lost his temper with Shelton. Gene remembered taking out his pistol, taking aim, and shooting Japs. Gene had screamed at Mac afterwards. Pissed that Mac had any semblance of decency to want to save the Japs from being shot by a minor weapon, and suffering through death.

Gene tried to imagine being dragged through that every day by Merriell, who was supposed to love him. Gene was so filled with remorse; he’d hurried into the bedroom where Shelton was and hugged him. This time, Merriell instantly responded. Hugging Gene tightly to him.

“I’m sorry, Merriell. I’ve been a real bitch,” Gene rubbed his hands along Shelton’s back.

A laugh burst out of Shelton at Gene’s words. Merriell gently grabbed the back of Gene’s head and held him, rocking him. “S’okay, mon p’tit loup,” Shelton responded.

“What?” Gene asked, after stifling a yawn. He had no idea what time it was, but it had been dark for quite a while.

Snafu chuckled, “Loup is wolf. P’tit loup, lil’ wolf.”

Gene smiled, “That’s cute. I like that. I love you,” he kissed Merriell. “I’m going to work on being better. I promise. How do you say I promise in French?”

“I love you too. Je promets is I promise.”

Gene tried to repeat it, but it sounded wrong in his mouth. More like “Jay pro-may” rather than how Shelton had said it. Shelton laughed at him and repeated the phrase more slowly for Gene.

“I can’t make that sound with my throat,” Gene insisted.

“You can make all kinds’a other sounds with that lovely throat of yours. I’m not too bothered if you can’t make that one.” Snafu continued smiling.

Gene rolled his eyes and stifled another more intense yawn. Merriell moved Gene until they were lying down. Gene was exhausted after all the traveling and excitement of the past couple days. Once they were both on their backs under the sheets, Gene threw a leg over Shelton and settled against his side. Shelton put his arm around Gene and kissed his forehead. Strained his neck and planted another kiss on the bridge of Gene’s nose. Then gently rubbed his finger along the bridge of Gene’s nose until Gene’s eyes drooped closed. Until the last thing Gene remembered was Shelton whispering, “Je t’aime.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translations:  
> Putain de merde = Literally translates to 'whore of shit." It's a very intense swear word even though the translation sounds a bit odd in English. Maybe imagine this phrase is used often in moments of rage and frustration. *Car breaks down for the 5th time that week* "AH, PUTAIN DE MERDE."  
> Sors-toi la tête du cul = Get your head out of your ass :) Oh Snafu...Rude.  
> Hein = What it sounds like when french people say 'eh? (or 'huh?')' It's like the typed version of that noise.  
> Je m’en sacre = I don't care/I don't give a damn.   
> ‘Tite jolie fleur = 'Tite = Petit, but y'know, lazy French we cut out a lot of the sounds when we speak. Petit = little. Jolie Fleur = Pretty flower.  
> Je vais m’occuper de toi = I'll take care of you  
> Je te protégerai et t’aimerais toujours = I will protect you and love you always.  
> Pour toujours et à jamais = Forever and ever.
> 
> I think Shelton translates the rest.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I think those words every time I see you. It’s like your allurement invades my chest, spreads out, and fills my veins. Until my blood is replaced by how enamored I am with you. Until it’s the only thing keeping my heart pumping.” 
> 
> “Jesus fuckin’ Christ, Eugene.”

Several days passed while Gene and Shelton continued to follow a similar routine. Wake up, breakfast, clean up, listen to the radio, dinner, clean up, bed. It was an easy schedule, and Gene adored it. They hadn’t argued since their last dispute. Gene was determined to keep his promise to Merriell. He’d be better. He had to. Not that Merriell had begun choosing his words with fastidious care, but rather Gene was better at letting things go. Reminding himself there was no malice in Shelton’s words.

Gene was tangled in the bed cover, half awake. The sun had started to peak through the curtains. A beam of light illuminated a spot on the wall through the open doorway. Gene’s leg lay strewn over the left side of the bed, Shelton’s side, but he’d gone hours ago. Shelton had jolted awake, startling Gene. However, his recovery was quick once Gene had asked if he was ok. So, Gene didn’t follow and console him.

Shelton came in carrying a cup of coffee, cigarette dangling from his lips. The beam of light shone on him briefly as he came through the doorway. He was positively angelic. Shelton set the cup down on the bedside table for Gene. He was dressed in his work clothes. Gene blinked several times to get the sleep out of his eyes. Once they focused, he looked Shelton up and down.

“No,” Gene shimmied across the bed until he was lying in Shelton’s usual spot. He then reached for Shelton’s thigh and coaxed him forward until Gene could firmly wrap an arm around his leg. 

Shelton smiled, “I gotta go, .” Shelton had taken a long drag from his cigarette, then stubbed it out in the ashtray on the bedside table. Smoke poured out of his mouth as he proceeded to press the knee that wasn’t currently imprisoned by Gene, and both hands, into the mattress to balance himself. He then bent his slender frame in half to press a kiss to Gene’s cheek.

“You’re leaving?” Gene asked, already knowing the answer. Not liking it one bit.

“You wanna keep eatin’?’ Shelton asked. “I gotta go, or I’ll miss the bus. The house is yours. Don’t burn it down.” Shelton, still in the same bent position, kissed Gene’s lips. He subsequently pried Gene’s fingers open and removed his leg from Gene’s grasp. Gene groaned in displeasure. However, rather than stay and console him, Shelton turned to leave. “Drink your coffee.” He ordered over his shoulder, then was gone.

Gene sighed. He moved Shelton’s pillow until it was resting against the headboard, then relaxed his back against it and took a sip of coffee. He felt uneasy with Shelton gone. So, he got up and lazily journeyed outside to sit on the porch steps. He watched the birds and listened to the cars going by as he continued sipping his coffee. It would be another warm day. The sun felt nice on his pale skin. There were only a few days left in September. Gene could hardly believe it. Time was fleeting now that he and Shelton were reunited. He would need to begin writing letters to Sid and his parents, confirming he was alive, before they worried. However, Gene tucked the thought away and returned inside. He washed his cup, then used his restless energy to clean. If Shelton was going to support him financially, the least Gene could do was tidy up the house. He tried to remember the maid’s responsibilities as they cleaned his childhood home. Though, with the house lacking knick-knacks, and with Shelton already being an orderly person, Gene merely swept the floors before his mission was complete.

He climbed the steps, shaved, showered, and dressed. As Gene put on his watch, he realized it was only 1100. He sighed deeply. Gene collected the money Sid had gifted him, grabbed the spare key Shelton left for him, then locked up the house. He walked towards the road and stuck his thumb out. He hoped to catch a ride back to Baton Rouge. It wasn’t long before someone pulled over. Gene bent to look in the car. It was a fellow about Gene’s age. Gene opened the car door.

“You headed into Baton Rouge by chance?” Gene asked.

“Sure am. Hope in.” The man answered. So, Gene did.

Gene fastened his seatbelt. Although hitchhiking was common, Gene never needed to. Sid was always willing to take him wherever he needed to go. So, he wasn’t sure what people did once they were in the car. Gene decided to sit awkwardly and look out the window. The guy glanced over at Gene a few times, started a bit of small talk, but otherwise didn’t disturb him.

Gene requested to be dropped off at the Sears he’d visited previously. The workers would know him by name soon. The man obliged and pulled up next to the store. Gene muttered a thank you, offered to pay, but closed the door after the man declined. Gene entered the store and leisurely browsed. Eventually, he found some novels, grabbed more paper, some more clothes, and then eyed a couple of cookbooks. Perhaps he could cook dinner for Shelton on days he worked. Gene flipped through each page to ensure the instructions were in English, then headed towards the checkout line. Luckily, none of the same workers were on duty. So, he advanced through the line with minimal small talk.

He glanced at his watch, only 1400. He decided he should purchase supplies for one of the easier recipes he’d selected to test his cooking skills. Gene walked until he located a grocery store, swiftly checked the recipe, then headed inside. He bought chicken, curry powder, and green cabbage. He also thought to grab milk, since he didn’t take inventory before he left. Better safe than sorry. By the time he’d left, it was nearly 1600. Gene wasn’t certain what time Shelton would return from work. He worried if Shelton returned to an empty house, he might panic. Especially since Gene hadn’t left a note. He didn’t fancy the idea of commuting on several buses. So, he made his way to the road and stuck his thumb out again. This time the wait was longer, but eventually an elderly man pulled over and smiled at him.

“Any chance you’d take me to Jackson? I live a short distance from town. I could spare money if you’d drop me off directly at the house.” Gene offered.

“Works for me. What’s your name?” the man asked, still smiling.

Gene hesitated. He wasn’t sure why it mattered. “Eugene,” he answered. He didn’t provide his surname.

“Alright, Eugene, buckle up. I’m a hell of a driver.” Gene again hesitated; the man laughed. “I’m only kiddin’.” Gene laughed nervously, but nonetheless slid into the car. He’d survived the war. Surely, he could survive some maniacal driving. Once Shelton got his license, Gene surmised he’d be praying to God every time they left the house. He might as well get used to it.

This man was gregarious. Unfortunately for Gene. They discussed how the world had changed since the war. How things specifically changed in Louisiana. How some people were now more tolerant of Cajuns since they’d operated as translators in France during the fight against Hitler. How, in other ways, things were still the same and people were still prejudiced. Gene wasn’t ecstatic about the topic, but at least it wasn’t regarding the war he’d personally served in. It was also intriguing to consider Shelton’s history through this stranger’s stories. Gene wondered if Shelton had faced discrimination. If that was why he’d never spoken French in Japan. Perhaps he wanted to prevent any prejudice or judgement. Gene wasn’t sure whether Shelton really cared about any of that.

The stranger continued babbling until they’d arrived at Merriell’s house. Gene thanked God. He’d been moments away from rolling out of the car for his own sanity. Gene couldn’t tell if Merriell was home yet, so he hastily grabbed his bags, thanked the man, paid him, then hopped out.

Once Gene reached the door it was still locked. He breathed a sigh of relief. He imagined Merriell could never estimate when he’d be home, since it probably depended on the size of the job. Gene let himself in, then began putting away the groceries. Next, he put the papers on the desk with the other stack, then hauled the books and clothes up to Merriell’s room. He made quick work of filling the dresser and bookshelf, then returned downstairs to start chopping the cabbage. By the time Gene had found a properly sized skillet and lit the flame on the stove, he heard the front door open. The front door faced the kitchen, so he and Merriell instantly made eye contact.

“What the hell did I say about burnin’ down the house?” Merriell slipped off his shoes, set a bag on the kitchen table, then entered the kitchen.

Gene laughed. He grabbed some of the chicken he’d chopped and tossed it in the skillet. “I wanted to do something nice for you.”

“You think burnin’ down my house would be ‘nice for me?’” He kissed the back of Gene’s neck. Gene released a poorly concealed sigh, so Merriell did it again.

Gene swatted at him. “You keep that up, and I will burn the house down.”

Merriell laughed, then tilted his head. He looked confused for a moment before asking, “Where’d the cabbage come from?”

“The store,” Gene answered. Shelton gripped Gene’s sides to tickle him. Gene immediately shifted until he was out of range.

“Fuckin’ smartass. Did I have that in the pantry? I don’t remember buyin’ it.” Shelton was looking around, as if trying to discover other items he couldn’t recall purchasing.

“You didn’t buy it. I did.” Gene responded. Merriell’s head was still tilted. It reminded Gene of Deacon, who would perform the same gesture when asked if he wanted to go for a walk. Gene smiled at the thought.

“How’d you do that?” Merriell asked.

“I hitched a ride.” Gene stirred the chicken.

Merriell gaped at him. “You what?” He asked again.

Gene stopped stirring and turned to face Shelton. “I hitched a ride?” He repeated, his voice rose at the end in question.

Merriell continued to gape at him. They didn’t break eye contact. “You could have just gone with me on the bus this morning.”

“I didn’t realize I was heading into town until I went. No big deal.” Gene resumed stirring.

Shelton moved until he was on the other side of Gene, gaping at him. Gene tried not to laugh. Shelton was observing him as if he were a puzzle. Suddenly, Shelton stilled Gene’s hand, “Let it cook, it won’t burn.” He said, “I—” Shelton shook his head in disbelief. “I can’t believe you sometimes.”

“Why not? People do it all the time,” Gene answered.

“Not you. Look at you. You got ‘cute and innocent’ written in pen right across ya’ forehead. I just never imagined---You’re full of surprises, boy.”

“I’m capable of an assortment of actions you’ve never imagined, Merriell.” Gene added, raising an eyebrow.

“Oh yeah?” Shelton’s voice was seductive. He pressed another kiss to the back of Gene’s neck, but this time, Shelton opened his mouth to dart his tongue out.

Gene whimpered, grabbed for the counter. They hadn’t even made out since the afternoon Gene had arrived. He was desperate. Shelton chuckled, then checked several pieces of chicken with a thermometer. Presumably cooked, he went over to the cabbage and threw it in the pan with the chicken.

“No, get out,” Gene playfully pushed Shelton out of the way. “I’m cooking. You just stand there, look pretty, and help me when I’m doing something wrong.” Gene grabbed the curry powder, glanced at the cookbook to ensure he added the right amount, then dumped it in the skillet. As soon as Gene set down the curry powder, Shelton picked it back up and dumped more in. Gene yelled “I said get!” And swatted at Shelton, who laughed and skittered out of Gene’s grasp. Gene stirred everything. Shelton headed out of the room, rubbing Gene’s back on his way past him.

“Gonna get changed. I think you can manage some stirrin’, since you’re suddenly an expert at stirrin’ up trouble.” Shelton smiled at him. Gene returned it.

Gene shut the fire off soon after Shelton headed upstairs. He removed the skillet from the burner and grabbed plates. By the time Shelton returned downstairs, Gene had finished setting the table and was sitting in his usual spot. Gene was thrilled by the notion they already had ‘spots’ at the table, and ‘spots’ in bed. They were adjusting to this new lifestyle much easier than Gene imagined they would. Shelton grabbed Gene’s hand and kissed his knuckles. “Thank you, this is nice.”

“I wanted to take care of you. Try to return the favour, for once.” Gene took a bite of food. The heat from the spice assaulted his tongue and he could feel his face turning red. One thing Gene may never adjust to would be the amount of spice Shelton preferred on his food. It was inhuman.

“We already agreed you would pay me in blowjobs. I was fine with that. I don’t pay overtime.” Shelton reminded Gene.

Gene laughed, “I haven’t made good on that promise either. I don’t know how you stand it.”

“Ya’ know, I was gonna bring that up during your end-of-month review. You’re in real danger of replacement, Eugene Sledge.” Shelton’s face was stern.

“You wouldn’t dare,” Gene used his elbow to nudge Shelton. “You’d never replace my skill.”

“Is that so? Well, I wouldn’t know. I’ve only experienced your handywork twice. You got some provin’ to do.” Shelton was smiling, eyes downcast as he ate. Gene admired Shelton’s eyelashes, his eyebrows. Eyes sweeping over Shelton’s face. Memorizing every feature and curve. Gene could spend hours looking at him.

They finished eating, and Shelton took their plates into the kitchen. It was Gene’s turn to pester Shelton as he tried to clean up. As soon as Gene entered the room, he dipped a hand in soapy water and rubbed it across Shelton’s face. Shelton turned around so fast Gene startled, which caused him to yelp embarrassingly once Shelton swept Gene’s feet out from under him. Shelton caught Gene with a hand on his back and dipped him, as if they were dancing, until Gene’s back hit the floor. As soon as Gene was flat, Shelton laid flush on top of him, holding himself up on an elbow. A soaking wet hand repeatedly smeared across Gene’s face. Gene was protesting and laughing when Shelton removed his hand and bit into Gene’s exposed neck. Gene’s laughter faded into a groan. Shelton dipped his tongue out into the crook of Gene’s neck. Gene whispered, “Merriell,” and grabbed onto his back. Fingers digging in. Shelton didn’t relent, sucking harder until Gene was sure he’d have a bruise. Gene was panting, face soaking wet, having his neck sucked by Merriell, whose face was also still damp. He assumed they were quite a sight for God to see. Shelton abruptly lifted himself off Gene and returned to the sink.

“You---” Gene took a deep breath, trying to calm his racing heart. “You bastard.” Gene wiped his face with his shirt.

“You started it, .” He glanced over at Gene. “I got a present for you,” Shelton added.

“Is _that_ a sex joke?” Gene tried. He’d been wrong the last time, but you never knew with Shelton.

Shelton was laughing openly, “Well, that too, but I got you another present. It’s in the bag on the kitchen table.” Gene had noticed the bag earlier but didn’t think anything of it. Gene smiled sheepishly and got up. He made his way to the kitchen table and opened the bag. He pulled out a pipe. “Oh, yes. Oh, thank the lord,” Gene was saying.

Shelton smiled fondly, “I’m sick of you stealin’ all of mine.” He joked. Shelton finished setting down the last dish. Gene took the tobacco, and cigarettes Shelton must’ve bought for himself, out of the bag.

“Come here,” Gene said.

When Shelton was close enough, Gene kissed him. His hands glided to their preferred spot on Shelton’s neck, fingertips resting in his curls. Shelton deepened their kiss, so Gene slipped his tongue into Shelton’s mouth. Shelton promptly grabbed Gene’s hips and hoisted him upwards until Gene was forced to wrap his legs around Shelton’s slim waist. Gene draped his arms around Shelton’s neck to stabilize them. Shelton then turned, pressed Gene’s back against the wall, and ground his hips. Gene groaned. He was embarrassingly hard already, but he could feel Shelton was in the same predicament. He had no idea how they’d managed to abstain from sex over the past several days. Everything still felt so new. They’d generally focused on adjusting to each other rather than undressing each other. “Set me down, just for a second.” Gene moaned out. Shelton obliged. Once Gene’s feet were planted, he unbuttoned and unzipped his pants, then shimmied his pants to his thighs. As Gene was still in the process of lowering his pants, Shelton tugged Gene’s shorts down. Gene laughed at Shelton’s urgency, but then Shelton fell to his knees. Gene nearly fainted. “Hang on. Wait, Merri—”

Shelton’s mouth was on him. Gene sucked air in through his teeth while he eased his fingers through Shelton’s curls, tugging gently. Shelton looked up into Gene’s eyes as he took Gene’s entire length into his mouth. Shelton was so handsome. It was criminal. The angle of Shelton’s jaw was a stark contrast to his slender shoulders. Shelton moaned around Gene. Eyelids fluttering closed as Gene hit the back of his throat, and that was all it took. Gene didn’t even have time to warn Shelton before he was shuddering through his orgasm. Shelton worked Gene through it, then carefully released Gene from his mouth.

“Ta daaa,” Shelton said, smiling. Gene laughed so hard that Shelton joined him.

“Sorry,” Gene tried to catch his breath. “I was looking forward to whatever plans you had for me against that wall.” Gene truly was disappointed he wouldn’t find out.

“Oh well, we have tomorrow.” Shelton said. He got to his feet and turned Gene around then hastily sank to his knees again. “Lift your foot,” Shelton ordered. Gene did as he was told with one foot, and then the other, so Shelton could remove and toss Gene’s pants and shorts aside. Gene briefly wondered how many times he was going to be naked in the front room of the house, when Shelton wasted no time steering Gene until he was bent over the kitchen table. Shelton was already working his own pants open, when Gene shifted so he could look behind him, elbows resting on the table.

“I hope that’s a promise,” Gene’s voice was hoarse. He never knew what Shelton was doing, and it both excited and terrified him. Shelton wasn’t much for talking Gene through his plans.

Shelton yanked both his pants and shorts to his thighs, then held his hand under Gene’s chin. “Spit for me, .” Gene worked his spit around in his mouth until he had a decent amount, but then paused. “Please, baby,” Shelton added. Gene blushed and spit. Merriell immediately coated himself with it. Then his hand closed over himself. He moved so the tip of his cock was resting against Gene’s opening. He didn’t apply any pressure, but rather just let it rest. Shelton was thrusting into his own hand when he stopped. He moved back enough that the tip of his cock was no longer against Gene’s ass. “Do me a favour?” Shelton sounded intoxicated.

“Anything, Merriell.” Gene meant it. Anything.

“Close your legs for me?” Shelton said. Gene was too confused to initially respond. “Press your thighs together.” Shelton tried to explain. He placed a hand on the outer edge of each of Gene’s thighs until Gene tightly closed them. Merriell held his hand out again, and Gene spit. Merriell coated himself then slid his cock between Gene’s thighs. Gene moaned. He’d have to interrogate Shelton about where he learned everything he used on Gene. Gene laughed at the thought, and Shelton’s head snapped up to look at him. He’d been concentrating on thrusting in and out of Gene’s thighs. 

“Where the fuck do you come up with this stuff?” Gene asked.

Shelton grinned, “Where any good man learns,” he didn’t add any further context. Gene at least felt confident that didn’t mean Shelton had learned it _with_ someone else.

Gene laughed softly, “You’re terrible,” his voice still sounded hoarse. On another thrust, Gene moaned.

Shelton encouraged him, “That’s it, baby. Please? Talk to me?” He sounded so desperate. His breath hitched with every movement. Fingers dug into Gene’s hips. Gene could feel and hear how slick his thighs were. It was driving him crazy. Gene thought it’d be cruel if he didn’t help Shelton finish. Although he felt shy about it, he used his excitement as courage. He leaned to the side, making sure Shelton was looking right at him when he whispered, “Want you to come, Merriell. Want you to cover me with it.” Gene blushed, but it quickly faded when Merriell let out a low, deep, and frantic moan that shot electricity up Gene’s spine. Shelton continued making the same beautiful sound as Gene felt the heat of Shelton’s orgasm hitting his thighs. Gene should’ve been mortified, or perhaps disgusted, but he was unbelievably aroused.

Shelton was rubbing Gene’s back as he finished, “You’re so good for me. So fucking good. So beautiful.” Shelton was whispering. Gene blushed. He was unaccustomed to the amount of praise Shelton was always giving him. “.” Shelton caught his breath and continued whispering praise until his breathing slowed. “Hang on,” He hoisted his pants and shorts back up then headed towards the kitchen. He returned with a wet towel. He cleaned Gene up, kissed his back several times, then left again.

Gene lifted himself off his elbows and went over to fetch his shorts. He’d just finished pulling them up when Shelton returned.

“I liked that,” Gene said to Shelton before Shelton could ask. “Nope. Not liked. I loved that. That was---Jesus christ.”

“Yeah?” Shelton was smiling. The same smile he’d presented to Gene when Gene had told him _“Guess I won’t show it to ‘em then,”_ in Peleliu. Gene favoured that smile. He privately daydreamed about it since the first time he’d seen it. Not at first understanding what it meant when Gene closed his eyes, and that was the first and only image plastered like wallpaper behind his eyelids. When it comforted him more than images of home ever could. That smile held the innocence that Shelton so rarely allowed himself to display or feel. It was Gene’s safety net. It was another present that was only for Gene. If Gene had any artistic capabilities, it’d be his only muse. Every canvas a copy of the last.

“Yeah. If you’d asked me if I wanted to try it, I’d have said you were crazy. So, I’m glad you didn’t ask.” Gene was about to put his pants back on but thought better of it. He moved to grab his pipe and tobacco, then sat on one of the chairs at the kitchen table and began packing it.

“Does it bother you that I don’t tell you?” Shelton disappeared momentarily to get his cigarettes, then lit one up.

“No, I trust you.” Gene was preoccupied with ensuring he didn’t pack the pipe too tightly, or he wouldn’t be able to inhale. So, he wasn’t looking at Shelton as he spoke. Shelton placed a hand on Gene’s chin, lifted Gene’s head, and kissed him. Once Shelton broke the kiss, he gently rubbed the back of his hand on Gene’s cheek.

“I love you,” Shelton smoothed Gene’s hair back, kissed him on the nose.

“I love you too. Very much.” Gene lit his pipe. It was heavenly. He missed the preoccupation of packing and smoking it. He’d regretted leaving it at home. “Thank you for the gift, babe.” Gene said.

“Which one?” Shelton’s smile was devious.

Gene smiled around his pipe. “All of them.”

Merriell laughed. “You want to put your pants on and come outside? S’nice out.” he added.

“Are the pants a condition, or is that a genuine question I can say no to?” Gene asked. Again, making Shelton laugh. Gene’s heart swelled. He loved seeing Merriell so happy. 

“Do whatever the fuck you want, . It’s a free country.” Shelton headed towards the kitchen. Gene was momentarily confused until he heard the backdoor open and close. Gene hadn’t even been in the backyard yet, oddly enough. Gene quickly dressed then headed outside. Shelton was straddling the seat of a picnic bench and looking up at the sky. Gene was so in love with him. That’s all he could think about every time he saw Shelton’s face.

“You’re so handsome.” Gene told him, blowing smoke out as the compliment left his lips. “So incredibly handsome. I think those words every time I see you. It’s like your allurement invades my chest, spreads out, and fills my veins. Until my blood is replaced by how enamored I am with you. Until it’s the only thing keeping my heart pumping.”

“Jesus fuckin’ Christ, Eugene.” Merriell was smiling at him, “You gonna write poetry about how pretty I am? Send it to the local papers?” Shelton tried to joke about what Gene had said, but his blush was obvious. 

Gene straightened the collar of Shelton’s shirt. “I mean it, you’re beautiful. And I’m so obsessed with you. I’ve never felt this way before, and I won’t make it one second without this feeling.” Shelton’s blush deepened. He took a long drag from his cigarette. He held it. Gene could tell Shelton didn’t know what to say and was stalling. Gene was fine with it. He didn’t need anything in return. If Shelton knew how important he was to Gene, that was all that mattered. Gene saved Shelton from himself, “I need to write to my parents and let them know I’m alive. I don’t know what to say, though.”

Shelton looked a bit relieved. “You could just say that. ‘I’m alive. Love, Gene.’”

Gene laughed, “They have no idea why I chose New Orleans. But Sid knows I was coming here to meet someone. I feel like I need to keep my stories straight.”

“This story is far from straight; I can assure you of that.” Shelton said, smoke poured out of his mouth as he laughed. He stubbed his cigarette out. “Tell them you needed to let your hair down for lady Mardi Gras, and that’s who you were meetin’ up with.”

Gene glared at him, smiling. “Shut up, Merriell. That’s not until February. Help me. I wish I could just tell them the truth. They’re gonna solve the puzzle the second you show up in Mobile with me anyway.”

“I don’t think you should put it in writin’. Even if they suspect later, a suspicion is a lot better than a confession.” Shelton had a point, and Gene knew it. It was dangerous to announce their relationship. Gene wanted to believe his parents would handle it well. That Sid would learn to accept it. If Gene couldn’t guarantee it though, he’d be putting them both at risk. “Maybe just say…Hm, shit, I don’t know. Just say you made it safe. That you found who you were looking for. Leave it at that.”

Gene nodded, “My first letter said just that. The one I ripped up. I guess that’s the best course of action then.”

Shelton nodded, eyeing Gene. “When are you trying to take me to Mobile? I can’t be out of work too long.”

“I don’t know. Thanksgiving?” Gene offered.

“You want to announce to your parents you’re dating a man on Thanksgiving? Do you hate them?” Shelton was looking up at the sky, watching the red and purple hues of the sunset seize the sky. 

Gene laughed, “No, but that gives us a month here to decide if you even still like me. Then I want to take you home. I can’t avoid it forever, and it bothers me. I don’t like the unknown. And this is a huge one. If they don’t accept it, or worse, then we just come back here. And at least then I’ll have my answer. They wouldn’t hurt me, and I’d go ballistic if they tried to hurt you. So, the worst that could happen is they kick me out. I was already gone anyway.”

Shelton sighed deeply. “I just want you to be happy, Eugene. Whatever you wanna to do, do it. I don’t know if this is a good idea. I think it could end badly.” Shelton continued gazing at the sky, avoiding eye contact with Gene. Shelton took another deep breath and slowly released it, “But I love you. Really, really, love you. I’d do anything you asked. I’d give you anything.” Shelton looked physically pained, but rather than feel frustrated or hurt, Gene was touched.

Gene kissed him. Lingered, then finally broke contact. “I love you too. I want to take you to Mobile. I just need answers. I can’t live like this without knowing.”

Shelton nodded his head. He turned, swinging his leg over the seat of the bench, and sat with his back resting against the table. He then tugged Gene down to sit beside him. Shelton wrapped an arm around Gene’s shoulder. “Whatever you want, .”

“I just want you,” Gene whispered into the evening air. “I’d offer you this whole fuckin’ world if I could.”

They tried to finish watching the sunset, but they were continuously pulled out of their reverie to smack mosquitos. They eventually made a joke it. Thwacking each other occasionally and saying, “Mosquito,” when there clearly wasn’t one. Once Gene couldn’t stand it any longer, he stood to go back inside. He stretched, and Merriell slapped his ass. “Mosquito,” he explained. Gene laughed, gave a return smack to Shelton’s bicep, then headed inside. Gene strolled to the desk and grabbed his pen and paper. He re-lit his pipe and started writing.

“Dear Mom and dad,

I’m safe.”

Gene considered concluding the letter, as Shelton had joked about earlier. What if the remainder of the white page emanated his secrets? Sending ripples of truth through his parents’ fingertips as they held it. The vacant page was a metaphor for the chunks of himself he gouged out. Would they consequently understand how he held funerals and fashioned gravestones for the love he buried? Just to please the rest of the world. To please them. He reluctantly continued.

“I’m sorry for leaving so suddenly. However, if I ever hoped to find peace, I needed to pursue the person I ventured to Louisiana for. I couldn’t stand being in Mobile without them.

I’ve been thinking about you, but I didn’t know what to write. I hoped neither of you took my absence personally. I never meant to worry or hurt either of you. I just needed time to figure myself out. How I’ve changed. What to do with who I’ve become. Though, I think I’ve finally begun to uncover the pieces. I wanted to share this serenity with both of you, and I hoped I could travel home for Thanksgiving. I’d like to bring someone with me if you’d have them.

Love,

Gene”

Gene read the letter several times. He ensured his pronouns and details were vague enough to guarantee his and Shelton’s safety. He worried momentarily about announcing he was in Louisiana, but Sid might’ve already told them. More so, they’d have Merriell’s address from the envelope anyway. Gene hoped confirming his safety would prevent his parents from sending someone to collect him. Although, Gene was sure Sid would protect him, should his parents attempt it.

Merriell had moseyed into the house while Gene was proofreading, so he pushed the letter towards Shelton. As Merriell started reading, Gene grabbed another piece of paper.

“Dear Greaser,

How are you? I’m safe and sound in Louisiana. I wanted to thank you again for the money, and for coaxing me onto the train. I’m hoping to come home for Thanksgiving, and I’d like to bring someone home with me. Would you—”

“Sounds okay,” Shelton said, setting the letter back down on the table. “I read it a couple times. It’s….it’ll be alright.”

Gene nodded. He was unsure whether he should continue with what he was going to ask Sid to do. But he didn’t know how else he’d reach home otherwise. “Would you pick us up from the station if I receive the okay from my parents?” Gene was sweating just thinking about it. Sid would be expecting this beautiful woman to step off the train. Instead, he’d see a beautiful man. A lovely, scowling, Merriell Shelton. Gene imagined Sid having a heart attack right there at the station. His tombstone would read, “Survived war, died from shock thanks to Eugene Sledge.” Gene wondered if Sid and Shelton would recognize each other from their brief encounter. Gene doubted it.

“Is this okay?” Gene shoved the letter towards Merriell then puffed on his pipe anxiously. Gene watched Merriell’s face as he reached the section about Sid picking them up. Both Shelton’s eyebrows shot skyward. Eyes wide. Shelton looked at Gene.

“Are you serious?” Shelton said. There was no malice in his tone. It was a genuine question.

Gene shrugged. “I trust him. He’s my best friend.” He supplemented.

Shelton didn’t look convinced. He set the letter down on top of the one for Gene’s parents. “I hope you have the most understanding parents and best friend in all of Alabama, .”

Gene felt a bit queasy. Nevertheless, he’d always known his father and Sid to be understanding. They’d always stood up for him. And his mother could be sympathetic if it benefited her enough. But, if he was being honest, he was least concerned with her approval. He supposed that was an awful thing to say, but it was the truth. Gene chewed on a fingernail, then shoved one letter, and then the other, into their envelopes before he could change his mind.

“I shouldn’t have ripped up the first letters. They were much more discrete than these.” Gene remarked.

“Oh good. Excellent. Glad to hear it.” Shelton said, and Gene laughed heartily.

“I don’t care, Merriell. I don’t fuckin’ care anymore. I’m a fuckin’ adult. I survived the damn war. I can do what I want. And they’ll either accept it or lose me in the process. I don’t think either my father or Sid would risk it.”

Shelton shrugged a shoulder, “I’m not arguin’ with you. Like I said, you do what’s best for that lovely brain of yours. I’ll just follow you around, putting out fires as you need me to. If I got to thrash your father and Sid simultaneously on Thanksgiving, then I will.”

Gene was laughing, “You will not. It won’t come to that.”

“I sure hope not.” Merriell again seemed unconvinced.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dedicated to: Stolperzunge; my favourite person on this planet. Also thank you for the in-text translation template!
> 
> Explanations:  
> To further explain 'chouchou': It's very hard to explain? It's like 'pet,' but not in a derogatory way? You'd only use this word for someone you think the world of.
> 
> I learned hitchhiking was incredibly common during/after the war. There are even books dedicated to teaching drivers how to engage in small talk without being annoying, so....There's that.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shelton’s words struck Gene like a slap to the face. They were Gene’s worst fears lived out in Shelton’s head.

Gene was being dragged through the thick fog of sleep to wakefulness by the sound of his own name. He opened his eyes, but the room was enveloped in darkness. The moon had just begun its new cycle, shrugging out of its full body like a discarded silk robe. No shadows danced on the walls. No indication of time could be collected. He looked over at Merriell, but his eyes wouldn’t adjust.

Then he heard it again. Desperate, “ _Gene_.”

Gene sat up, threw the covers off his legs, then adjusted so he could sit on his knees facing Merriell. He had to be careful. Many were killed for waking a sleeping soldier too suddenly. A soldier who fought in his sleep, only to bring the ghosts to life as he awakened. Gene touched Shelton’s shoulder. Easily falling into the routine they’d established when Gene would wake Shelton for his watch.

“Merriell-“ He gently massaged Shelton’s shoulder. Fingertips increasing pressure with each squeeze. “Merriell. Hey.” A feather light touch of Gene’s lips to the shell of Shelton’s ear. His words a whisper as they floated in the air. Gene tightened his grip on Shelton’s shoulder. Shelton hurled an elbow, which immediately collided with Gene’s nose. Gene supposed his nose _was_ rather hard to miss. “Fuck!” Gene catapulted off the bed. Tried to keep the blood dripping out of his nose off the sheets.

Shelton bolted upright, on his feet before he was even conscious. Gene knew Shelton hadn’t come to reality yet when Shelton demanded to know where Gene had been hit. Asking repeatedly, frantically. It was too dark for Shelton to realize they were at home. In New Orleans. No longer fighting the enemy. Gene fumbled for the lamp, then turned the nob with his left hand. His right was still preoccupied with catching blood.

As soon as the light was on, Shelton’s face froze. “Eugene, shit, did I hit you?”

“I sure as hell didn’t punch myself.” Gene headed to the bathroom as he spoke. Shelton was hot on his heels.

“I’m sorry, Gene. I’m so—Let me help. Sit down.” Shelton pointed to the edge of the tub, so Gene sat. Blood leaked over Gene’s palm. Down his arm. Gene hoped his nose wasn’t broken. He breathed through his mouth. With each inhale, he tasted blood. Metallic. Unforgiving. Shelton grabbed a washcloth, wet it, then stood in front of Gene. “God, I’m sorry. , I’m so sorry. \--” As Shelton wiped the damp cloth under Gene’s nose, he continued reiterating the last phrase. “J’ai perdu la tête.” Like a mantra. Shelton ultimately had to abandon his ministrations to grab toilet paper. He inserted the pieces into Gene’s nostrils, trying to stop the bleeding, then began to wipe the blood off Gene’s hand and arm instead. Shortly thereafter, Shelton threw the blood soiled rag on the floor. He grabbed another, wet it, then returned in front of Gene to gently mop under his nose again. “Fuck, I’m sorry.” Shelton whispered.

Gene took Shelton’s cue. If they spoke vociferously about what happened, it would echo off the walls. An accusatory verbal finger pointed at Shelton for hitting Gene. Crushing Shelton under the weight of his guilt. Gene didn’t want Shelton to feel badly. It was just an accident. “I know you didn’t do it on purpose.” Gene whispered back. “What were you dreaming about? You did this yesterday morning too.” Shelton went neutral, face a blank canvas. Gene had seen that face so many times in Japan. But not here. Not in the safety of their home. “Don’t close yourself off to me.” Gene reached out and put a reassuring hand on Shelton’s shoulder, but it seemed an unbearable weight. Gene hesitated, then removed his hand when the pressure seemed too much for Merriell.

“It’s nothing.” Shelton responded.

“It’s not fuckin’ nothing. You almost broke my nose.” Gene might as well have taken his blood-soaked tongue and spat the proof on Shelton’s face. Might as well have yelled, “ _Look at what you did to me. You did this_!” Shelton’s neutral mask slipped into despair, then back again in the time it took Gene to blink.

Gene forgot his promise to hold it together for Shelton. If Snafu came out to play, then Gene would square up. Gene never backed down from a challenge. Even when he should. Even when it would destroy him. “So, rather than tell me what’s going on, you want this to be our new morning routine? Sit here and wipe the blood off my face while we pretend you're fine?” Gene pressed, like proverbial salt in the wound. Selfishly, unforgivably. There was no gentle touch, soft whisper. Snafu didn’t need those things. He needed structure. He needed orders. He pretended he was independent. That he listened to no man. But Snafu was a lost soul, searching for purpose. Afraid. Always extending his neck only to find himself ensnared in a guillotine. Wanting so badly to be a shield for the innocent. Giving every ounce of his humanity away. Destroying himself in the process. Until there was nothing left. Because he’d been born and would die as nobody. He was nothing. Against his will, he’d disappear from this earth. As if he’d never been here at all. Like a bound and gagged body thrown into the depths of the sea. To be eaten alive by the creatures that surrounded him. And no one would miss him. He never mattered to begin with. He was put on this earth to be fuel for the starving. The world took from him without asking. Without thanking. And he let it. It’s what he deserved.

Gene wasn’t sure when his impression of Snafu shifted in his mind. From a man guarded, to a man who needed guarding. A man who forgot to bring a weapon to a gun fight. Gene wasn’t intimidated by Snafu like the others were. Maybe it was because Gene had his own personal version of ‘Snafu’ inside his soul. Every time Gene was naïve, too innocent, he was punished. He imagined the same happened to Snafu. It was no wonder they created personas to cope. The only difference was, Snafu dragged Gene away from his demons. While Gene kicked and screamed, demanded to start a fight, one he could never possibly win. Snafu never had that. No knight in shining armor ever stepped forward. No one was ever brave enough. And Snafu was too proud to beg for it.

Shelton’s breath accelerated. The puffs bouncing off Gene’s face as Shelton continued to clean him up. Gene recalled Shelton’s words to Gene when Gene had been bordering on frantic the other day. “Trust me, Merriell. I’m your partner, not your enemy. Tell me.”

Shelton’s gaze snapped up to meet Gene’s. Breath still heavy, eyes wild. He looked terrified. “I can’t,” his voice cracked. His eyes glistened with unshed tears. He frenetically swiped them away. As if the images of his nightmares lived inside each teardrop. As if he couldn’t dare to let one fall, or the memories would pour out of him like a movie theater display. As if it were the only shred of control he had left. “I fuckin’ can’t,” he said.

“If this were me, what would you ask me to do?” Gene encouraged. He knew from personal experience it wasn’t valuable to bottle up your hurt. It only ate away at you like acid. He wanted to help. He wanted to be a good partner. Snafu was still looking at Gene. The unshed tears again pooled at the bottom of his eyelids, accentuating the dramatic shape of his eyes. His brows were raised at the ridge, creasing his forehead. He looked so breakable. Gene feared if he touched Shelton he’d shatter.

Snafu took a shuddering breath. When he spoke, Gene could hear the knot in his throat from the tears he restrained. “I dream about Hamm sometimes.” He began, quietly. So delicately, that Gene missed every word but ‘Hamm.’ Gene didn’t want to ask Shelton to repeat it, knowing it was painful enough to admit the first time. “And you,” he added. Louder this time. A tear finally dropped and ventured down Shelton’s face. Gene didn’t dare move to capture it. “I dream about Hamm going down-- but sometimes, I dream it’s you. That I can’t get to you in time to pull you back, and you get hit. Bleed out in front of me while I scream your name.”

Another tear fell. Gene could hear the agony in Shelton’s voice. His throat constricting around every word. As if he were forcing each statement through the cracks in the barriers he’d built. The wet sound of Shelton’s voice shook Gene. After everything they’d been through, Gene had never seen Shelton emotionally unhinged. Gene was relieved his mouth already hung open from the struggle to breathe. Otherwise, it would’ve fallen open from the shock of Shelton’s confessions. Gene wanted to make the hurt stop so badly it burned in his chest. A ferocious flame around his heart.

“Other times, it’s you rather than Peck that’s gone.” Shelton rubbed at the collar of his shirt. His hands shook so harshly the movement appeared severe rather than slight. “And I try to bring you back--“ Shelton paused to choke out a sob. Gene’s eyes flooded at the sound of it. “Only to become Hamm myself. Shot right through the chest as I push you to safety. That could’ve been us, Eugene. Just one misstep during any of the days we spent on that goddamn island, and we’re the ones that are lost.” Shelton abandoned rubbing at his collar to absentmindedly wipe at Gene’s face with the cloth. Gene knew it was a fruitless effort, his face was already clean.

Shelton’s words struck Gene like a slap to the face. They were Gene’s worst fears lived out in Shelton’s head. Gene could’ve very easily been gone, like Peck. He could’ve been careless. Given into his kindness, like Hamm. Only for Gene to become the lifeless body left rotting in a shallow muddy hole. Where his corpse would decay, but his soul would forever wander the island. A forgotten ghost. He could’ve ended up in a hospital bed, screaming at enemies that weren’t there. Gene never considered he and Shelton shared these fears. These regrets. They’d both grown cracks in their minds like the tallies Gene marked in his bible. Each day, a fresh one appeared. It wasn’t difficult to imagine all those cracks could’ve splintered wide open. It was possible they were to blame for Peck going mad. And if that were true, they might as well have killed Hamm with their own hands. Snafu had been hard on Hamm, but Hamm could handle his own. Fighting back as hard as Gene did. Meanwhile, Snafu and Bill had been downright cruel to Peck. They made it their personal obligation to destroy him. Gene, thoughtlessly, never imagined the guilt Snafu carried from it.

Gene had been so angry at Peck. At Hamm. Gene resented how Hamm fought for goodness in a war where no good could be found. While Gene dumped his to survive. “ _Get used to it. Grow up._ ” Gene had told Hamm. If Gene struggled with his choice to be cruel, while Hamm had been kind, his decision was solidified by Hamm’s death. Kindness got you killed. And it got Hamm killed. So, Gene felt justified in stuffing all his gentleness in a box and leaving it behind. Gene couldn’t think further about it. Wouldn’t. Or he feared Hamm would invade his dreams too. Now Gene realized Shelton carried Gene’s, Hamm’s, and Peck’s boxes around with him. Always. And the only box Shelton was able to return to its owner was Gene’s. How Shelton must’ve felt solely responsible for those he couldn’t return. The weight of them crippling, yet he carried them without complaint. It was again, what he deserved. Shelton was Sisyphus. He knew the punishment fit the crimes.

Gene didn’t know what to say or do other than to reach out and cup Shelton’s face. Shelton was openly sobbing. Unashamed. Gene grieved for him, shamelessly crying as well. Shelton’s jaw clenched, and Gene traced his fingertips along the edges. Trying to help Shelton relax.

Gene had childishly imagined Shelton’s nightmares were about civilians being shot, babies screaming, mothers begging soldiers to help them moments before they were blown up. Body parts strewn everywhere. Like they’d never been standing there at all. Gene could also envision Shelton having nightmares about situations that never came to be. Being kidnapped, becoming a POW. Gene had never, not even for a second, imagined something so personal haunted Shelton. Gene was frustrated with his own immaturity. Angry at himself for pushing Shelton so hard to speak about something so painful. So personal.

“It’s not your fault,” was all Gene could think to offer. It was a fucking stupid thing to say. “Don’t even respond to that. I’d be livid if you said it to me.” Gene’s fingertips continued tracing Shelton’s face as he spoke. “I have nothing helpful to add, but I know how you feel. And I love you. And I will always love you. Easily through the good, but especially and deeply through the bad. You kept me sane when I didn’t think it was possible. You saved my life, Merriell Shelton. So, don’t think, even for a second, that you’re not redeemable because of any of the shit we said or did during the war.”

Shelton hiccupped out another sob. Gene moved his fingertips from Shelton’s jaw to wipe the tears away. Gene tried to press a kiss to Shelton’s wet cheek, but when his nose bumped Shelton’s jaw, he sucked in a breath and withdrew. Now that the adrenaline had worn off, he was sore. Merriell reached his fingers up, cupped his hand over the bridge of Gene’s nose. Thumb and index fingers resting on the sides. “I went and messed up my favourite part of your face. Again, I’m sorry.” Shelton rubbed the bridge of Gene’s nose tenderly.

“It’s okay, Merriell. It’s all gonna be okay.” Gene soothed.

Shelton took in a shuddering breath then released it in a deep exhale. “I love you too, by the way.” Merriell removed his hand from Gene’s face, then tilted his head sharply until he could kiss Gene without bumping his nose. “I love you a whole lot.” He kissed him again.

Gene gave a few answering pecks to Merriell’s lips, but then pulled away. He still couldn’t breathe through his nose and was out of breath from crying. So, it rapidly became a struggle to hold his breath through each kiss. “We’ll get through this together.” Gene offered to Merriell. Gene pulled the pieces of toilet paper out of his nose. Merriell stood up, grabbed yet another cloth, wet it, then carefully mopped the remaining blood the toilet paper had masked. Gene stole the washcloth, rinsed it, then returned to wipe Merriell’s face where the tears had dried. “We’ll take care of each other. We always have.” Gene let the corner of his mouth lift upwards. To his relief, Merriell answered it. “I should be the one apologizing, by the way.” Gene added. “I shouldn’t have pushed you. It was messed up.”

Shelton sniffled, “S’okay. I—I think I needed it.” Shelton let out another shaky breath.

Gene nodded in understanding. He was too familiar with how cathartic it could be to relieve pain through crying. “Is my nose straight?” Gene asked.

“It’s the straightest thing about you, boy.” Shelton assured him, laughing. “It’s swollen though. We’ll have to ice it.”

Gene glared at Shelton, fighting off a smile. “Go fuck yourself, Shelton.” Gene broke and smiled. Merriell laughed again, and Gene was so relieved. It crushed him to see Merriell sitting in so much hurt. Knees drawn up, hands over his ears. Trying to shut out the grief as it beat at the door. They would always carry each other through the darkness. Over to the other side of suffering, to serenity. To freedom. It had been what brought them together, and it would be what kept them together.

\------

The rest of their day, and several others, had passed without much incident. They’d iced Gene’s nose, and the swelling had dissipated. Luckily, it wasn’t broken, but Gene’s nose was bruised. Shelton looked guilt-ridden every time he glanced at Gene. Furthermore, discussing Hamm and Peck had brought restless sleep to both men. So, they’d laid awake in silence, holding each other. Sometimes pressing kisses to shoulders, necks, lips. Sometimes chatting softly about their dreams. Occasionally, either Shelton or Gene cried while the other man embraced them. Wishing the other would be freed from the chokehold suffering held on them.

One morning, Gene sat at the kitchen table nursing a cup of coffee. He was feeling sick to his stomach with exhaustion but needed the caffeine to function properly. Shelton came inside and dropped an envelope onto the table. Gene glanced at the name on the envelope, then set his cup down so hard coffee sloshed over the sides of the cup.

 _Sledge_.

He stared down at the letter, frozen.

“You suddenly got x-ray vision?” Shelton asked.

Gene didn’t answer him. He did, however, shove the letter towards Shelton. “You read it first.” He said. Gene’s voice sounded distant. As if he were underwater listening to someone on land call out to him. Shelton fleetingly eyed him, then tore the envelope open and began reading. Gene watched. Hoping he could reveal the letter’s contents through Shelton’s facial expressions, but he’d selected the worst person to analyze. Shelton had the best poker-face in town. Potentially in the world.

“When’s your birthday?” Shelton asked.

“What?” Gene asked irritably. His patience was already worn thin just from being awake.

“When is your birthday?” Shelton asked leisurely. As if repeating the query at a snail’s pace clarified the ridiculousness of the question.

“November 4th. Why?” Gene knew he still sounded annoyed. He was just so tired.

“Your mama talks about it.” Shelton extended his index finger then rubbed the bridge of Gene’s nose, which was still sensitive. “So cranky,” he added, smiling.

Gene grumbled, snatched the letter out of Shelton’s hand, then began reading.

_“Dear Eugene,_

_We were quite shocked when Sidney arrived to tell us you’d gone. He didn’t have much more information than we did, but he assured us you were safe. I’m grateful you have such a good friend in him, Eugene. Don’t continue to take advantage of it.”_

Eugene rolled his eyes. He could tell his mother had written the letter. Guilt was laced in every word, spreading into Gene’s bloodstream like poison.

_“I’m quite disappointed you won’t be home for your birthday. You know we always host a celebration for you. It’s a shame we won’t be able to share it with this lovely woman you’re going steady with.”_

Gene scoffed. Shelton raised an eyebrow in question, but Gene continued reading. He’d completely forgotten about his birthday. Gene tried not to feel culpable for ruining whatever his mother had probably planned the moment he’d returned home. She always had to best whatever her friend—more like competitor—Ida had done for her son.

_“But I’m glad to hear you’re safe. That you’re not remaining idle. I look forward to meeting this girl. I wished you’d provided her name, so this letter wasn’t so formal. Please, tell her we say hello._

Gene deposited the letter on the table with a smack. His hand remained on top of it. “You think I should write back and give her your name?” Gene asked bitterly.

“I dunno. Merriell could be a girl’s name. Maybe I could be decked out in a dress when I meet the family. We could play this whole thing off, and they’d never know.” Shelton was smiling.

Gene laughed, then gradually looked Shelton up and down. “That might just be a humdinger of an idea, Mer’.” Gene teased.

Shelton stood up so fast the chair he’d been sitting in screeched as it slid across the floor. He walked over, deposited himself in Gene’s lap, then wrapped his arms around Gene’s neck. Gene placed his hands on Shelton’s hips to steady him. Gene hoped the chair would hold them both. Gene had been expecting a kiss to his lips but gasped when Merriell pressed an open-mouthed kiss to the space below Gene’s earlobe.

“Yeah?” Shelton breathed out. Gene’s eyelids fluttered closed. “Didn’t think you were the type to yearn for me to play a little dress up, Eugene.” Shelton bit down on Gene’s neck, then sucked. As if Gene didn’t have enough bruises to worry about.

Gene blushed but instantly mustered his courage. Again, he was never one to back down from a challenge. “I already told you, I’m capable of all sorts of things. Don’t know why you keep doubting me.”

“Mhhmm,” Shelton meant for the noise to communicate his understanding that Gene wasn’t to be doubted. Instead, it was a moan against Gene’s neck. “I like actions, baby. You gotta show me, not tell me.” More wet kisses were pressed to Gene’s neck.

Gene tilted his head back to give Shelton more access, still blushing. He wasn’t used to being with a guy as bold as Shelton. Or a guy at all. It was challenging for Gene to vocalize his sexual interests, especially since he barely knew what they were. He’d only truly accepted himself when he’d arrived in Louisiana. It wasn’t logical to continue rejecting or questioning his sexuality when he traveled this far for another man. Regardless, he was certain Merriell could do almost anything and Gene would be unfathomably turned on. Gene ran his hands down Shelton’s back, then leaned forward so Shelton was forced to release Gene’s neck. Gene reached, hand still on Shelton’s back so he wouldn’t upend him and picked the letter up.

“Let me finish this,” Gene laughed.

_“Of course, we’d love to have the both of you present for Thanksgiving. In fact, I am telling you to be present. It will be a great opportunity for the whole family to be together.”_

Jesus christ, Gene had forgotten about his brother Ed. He tried to imagine Shelton and Ed interacting. There was no believable version of the story that ended well. 

_“Please let us know if we can do anything for you. We want to see you happy Eugene. We love you. Could you write back with a phone number, so we can properly chat about all this?_

_“Love, mom and dad.”_

Gene chewed on his bottom lip. He hadn’t even considered calling home, or whether his parents would ask to call Merriell’s. It was almost funny. If his secrecy wasn’t already causing suspicion, he’d be shocked. He knew it was unthinkable to tell his parents he was dating a man over the phone. And forget Sid. There was no way he was telling his best friend he liked men over the phone. When he couldn’t watch Sid’s reaction. Couldn’t calculate whether their friendship was forever tarnished. He was banking on the fact that his parents and Sid were different. That the south hadn’t gripped their bones and made them bigots. He thought of Shelton’s words. When Shelton hoped Gene’s parents and Sid were the most understanding people in all of Alabama. Gene didn’t only have his family and friend’s reactions to worry about, they could be targeted by the police, stripped of their service, their good names. They could lose everything. And Gene was risking it all on a daydream. He sighed.

Shelton cupped his face. “Qu’est-ce qui te tracasse? What troubles you?“

“I’m being an idiot, aren’t I?“ Gene queried.

“You’re gonna have to be a little more specific, ma boule d’angoisse.” Shelton grinned.

Gene would’ve laughed, but he felt an unbearable weight on his chest. He’d wanted this to be easy. He’d struggled through so much already. He hadn’t pictured returning home and facing repeated heartache. Not when he’d finally discovered who he was. Isn’t that all anyone wanted from their life? But for Gene, it was punishment. If Gene had never went to war, if he’d never met Merriell Shelton, if he’d never figured out who he was, would it have been a relief? It seemed impossible. Gene supposed in every scenario he would’ve suffered. He wasn’t sure which sin he’d committed to deserve enough wrath from God to follow him through several lifetimes. God had brought him into this world, made him this way, and then tortured him for it. Gene was a flaw in God’s grand scheme. An embarrassment.

Shelton touched Gene’s jaw and startled him out of his thoughts. “I see your mind working, and I don’t like it. Come on, spit it out. What’s going on?” Shelton removed himself from Gene’s lap then went over to the radio. He turned it on, then grabbed Gene’s pipe and tobacco. He brought it to Gene. Shelton took his own smokes out of his back pocket and lit one. Gene appreciated the gesture. It would give him something else to focus on while he worked through his thoughts. He went to work packing it. Feeling calmed immediately from the distraction.

“I shouldn’t have sent the letter. I’m putting us at risk. You tried to tell me.” Gene didn’t look up.

“Maybe, but also, I know you well enough to know you _do_ need an answer to all this. If not now, eventually. You’re determined as hell, and you know it. So, it’s done. We’ll see how it goes. And I’ll protect you. Protect us,” Shelton determined.

Gene mulled over Shelton’s words as he finished packing his pipe. Shelton really was unveiling himself for Gene. Every day, maybe even every hour, Shelton dropped another layer. He and Shelton were beginning to fit together like a puzzle. Understanding each other’s inner workings with more detail than they understood themselves. Shelton was the calm to Gene’s storm, and Gene was the rain to Shelton’s drought. Gene was unsure he deserved such a beautiful thing, but he knew Shelton shared the fear of being undeserving.

Gene lit his pipe and took several puffs from it. Once he was finished, he grabbed Shelton’s hand. “I never considered I could merely call Sid and my parents on the telephone,” Gene laughed. “It’s funny. You wear a mask for so long you forget it’s on. Repress how easy things could’ve been because it was never an option for you.”

“Have you always liked men?” Shelton asked, rubbing his thumb along Gene’s knuckles. Gene once again thought back to when Betty Cannon, Sid, and he were be best friends when they were six years old. He thought about what had caused their friendship to split. Until it was only Sid and Gene.

It’d been a particularly warm day. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky. The three of them had just returned from playing in the creek. The playful energy had followed them all the way home. It buzzed in the air. Sid and Betty were running circles around Gene. Playing a lazy game of tag. Never straying more than an arm’s length away from Gene as they ran. Sid encouraged Gene to join, but Gene declined. Gene was amused watching his best friend’s, but Betty wouldn’t listen. She ran up to Gene, kissed him on the cheek, then cried out, _“Tag! You’re it, Gene!”_

Gene had been so stunned he didn’t move. He then unexpectedly devolved into tears. Reprimanded Betty for not asking for permission. _“Why wouldn’t you ask? Do you think you can just do whatever you want to people? I said I didn’t want to play!”_ Gene had choked out through embarrassingly loud sobs. Sid had immediately sided with Gene, shrugged Gene’s reaction off as a ‘respect’ issue. Soothed him. Not with words, but with loyalty. Like Sid always did. Gene hadn’t reflected on how other boys would’ve reacted if they’d been in Sid’s shoes. Not until this very moment. Perhaps Sid understood more about Gene than he let on. Other boys would’ve called Gene a chicken. A queer. Sid never forced Gene to discuss it, and Gene never brought it up. Gene had always been grateful Betty had either been too respectful, or too embarrassed, to tell everyone at school about what had happened. She’d stopped playing with them though. Gene always felt guilty about it. In true Sid fashion, Sid protected Gene from his parent’s questions concerning Betty. Asking why she never came around anymore.

As Gene got older, he realized he didn’t feel anything for the girls Sid pointed out to him. His heart didn’t speed up. Not until a particularly handsome boy walked by. Or when Richard Hoffman dropped his book in the hallway. He and Gene bent at the same time to retrieve it. Fingers brushing. Richard had the greenest eyes Gene had ever seen. If given the chance, Gene would’ve stared into them forever. Gene would take girls out for show, of course. Talk about them with Sid. But respect had become Gene’s saving grace. Everyone knew Gene was sensitive. That he reacted intensely, fiercely. More emotional than the other boys. Girls knew Gene was too respectful to ever try anything, and so he became a conquest. And he fell back on ‘respect’ when they asked too many questions. Pushed a little too hard to gain his affection. Sid kindheartedly ragged on Gene for ‘saving himself,’ when girls threw themselves at Gene’s feet. Gene would explain he wanted to wait for the right one. Sid always told him it was noble. It made Gene feel dirty for lying.

Had Gene always liked men? Well, it had been crafted into his DNA before he’d ever been offered a choice. It wasn’t a choice. It was his identity. Gene simply nodded in affirmation as he continued puffing on his pipe. Merriell was still rubbing Gene’s knuckles, and he nodded in return. “You?” Gene asked. “You ever like a guy before me?” Gene added.

Merriell’s lips screwed up in thought, quirking to one side. “I appreciated a lot of good-looking men, but I ain’t never courted a guy. Never slept with one. I knew I was fucked when I saw you though.”

Gene laughed, blowing smoke out of his nostrils. “You were an asshole to me from the moment I said hello to you. If that’s your version of flirting, then I’m glad I’ve been spared it thus far.”

Merriell smiled, “You didn’t seem to mind it none. You fell for me anyway. My charm. Wit.”

Gene was laughing. He _had_ fallen for Merriell despite his sour attitude. In fact, Gene had effortlessly matched it. He took what Merriell threw at him and hurled it right back, twice as hard. Gene thought back to when Oswalt, Bill, and he had scrubbed oil drums while Shelton looked on in amusement. Belittling them. Telling them all how they’d miss the suffering he’d subjected them to. However, from the moment Shelton first laid eyes on Gene, his gaze had been penetrating. Hanging heavily on Gene. Making him feel exposed, naked. Gene assumed it was hatred for new boots that made Shelton cruel to him, but maybe it had been attraction. Why nurture a crush for someone who was likely to die the second the gunfire started? If Gene looked back at his time with Shelton through this new lens, re-analyzed each moment, everything was different. The colours shifted. He understood words and actions he hadn’t before. It was not a choice. Their love had been written before they’d ever been offered a choice. Anyone who thought otherwise was a fool.

“I did. I really did. And now, as a thank you, I’m bringing you into this mess I call my life. It’s what you get for making me fall in love. And for making me scrub oil drums.” Gene smiled around his pipe.

Shelton showed his rare, beautiful, pearly white smile he never shared with anyone else but Gene. Gene’s favourite exhibition. “It’s well deserved punishment. I’ve used those images of you sweatin’, in that white t-shirt, breathin’ heavy, to guide me through an absurd amount of orgasms. They had to be quick one’s too, as you know. Worked out great in my favour.” Shelton’s grin turned smug.

Gene laughed, “You son of a bitch. Did you really?” Shelton smiled and nodded. Gene reached out to place his fingers on Shelton’s face, lightly pinching his cheek and tugging. “I better have been the only one you were admiring and thinking about.”

“You ain’t got nothin’ to worry about, baby. I only ever looked at you. Couldn’t see anyone else anyway, with the way the sun glinted off your hair and skin most days.”

Gene mock glared at Shelton, then nudged Shelton’s leg with his foot. Gene read through his parents’ letter once more. Pausing each time Merriell was referred to as a woman. Gene could’ve easily played this off to everyone but Sid, since Gene directly told Sid he was leaving to seek out some long-lost love of his. It would’ve been rather challenging to explain he never reunited with the love of his life but did however find the next best thing! His buddy from the service. _Oh, and I’m bringing him home with me. Platonically, of course. You understand, right Sid_? _Think about it! If you came home, never found Mary, but ran into a man from your outfit, wouldn’t you spend the rest of your life with him?_ Gene could’ve opened the door slowly. Person-by-person, calculating their reactions. Then his impulsions got the best of him. His need to _know_. To tear the band aid off. He hoped he wouldn’t pay for it. That Shelton wouldn’t pay for it. It was too late now. He’d have to cut off his family and Sid to go back on this, and Gene didn’t want to do that unless his hand was forced. Maybe his mother had been right. Maybe Gene did take advantage of Sid’s kindness. Of his parent’s kindness. Of Shelton’s love. Demanded too much forgiveness from the people who cared about him. Gene was such a selfish creature. The epitome of the seven deadly sins. Did the people who loved Gene know the devil lived within him? Gene doubted it. Blinders were securely fashioned around their eyes. Gene always waited for the buckle that secured the blinders to tear, falling away and exposing Gene’s darkness to the light. Until the light blinded them. Thrusting them back into the darkness. Where they could once again fell prey to Gene’s manipulation. The manipulation he never even knew he used against them. He was a puppeteer with blind marionettes. This would be his last show.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't add special characters to the translations, so I apologize for the bad grammar. Both in French and English. :3


End file.
